A professional ballroom and Latin dancer told me this the other day. I was curious as to how the man, who is leading the dance, could instruct the woman, who is following, how to do all the fancy bits.

The dancer explained that the man is simply leading the direction and major movements, the woman then embellishes.

I thought this was quite fascinating, and also made dancing seem less sexist, less as though the man led it all and the woman was a passive accomplice. In fact, the embellishing is as important as the main moves (not to mention the fact that, as Ginger Rogers once pointed out, she did the same as Fred Astaire, but backwards in high heels!) And to be able to embellish, you need to be really connected.

It also made me think of sex. In heterosexual sex, the man might lead more than the woman, but that doesn’t mean the woman is a passive recipient. Just as in dancing, she needs to be totally connected to him so that it all flows and she can embellish. She’s no more a passive recipient than if a male dancer was dancing with a rag doll. Oh no, for the dance to be good, passionate, pleasurable, there must be a strong connection between them, a flow, a melding into each other. He might be leading, but her following is equal in power and energy. That’s where the dynamism comes from, that’s where the passion is. There is unity and magnetic flow.

In the sexual act, she can move her legs, use her hands, adjust her hips. As they move from position to position, it’s up to her to move smoothly with direction rather than be awkward and clumsy. The more she can let go to the following, the more elegant and flowing the engagement becomes. This is a skill, and a very important one.

Of course, the same implies when the woman is leading, there is no pleasure in playing with a passive partner, whatever your gender. You need your partner’s focus and energy. Even if he or she is completely letting go and you’re the one doing all the leading, your partner is still connected, still responding to and flowing with your lead.

The dynamism of the flow from leading to following, giving and receiving, and the requisite connection and flow between the lovers is what makes sex passionate, pleasurable and profound.


Learn more about leading and following by attending my Bali Couples Retreat - or take up Tango!

‘Tis indeed the season of kindness and giving, as shown by the heartfelt response to the tragedy of a gunman in Sydney holding hostages, resulting in three deaths. Rather than responding with anger and hatred against people who share his religion, Australians are opening their hearts and embracing acceptance and openness. It shows a high capacity for love to be able to respond in this way.

My work is so much about opening our hearts and the change this brings to individuals and through them to the world. This means overcoming fear and prejudice and limitations, about not putting things in boxes, not having an either/or, right/wrong approach to the world.

And yes, my work focuses on sexuality, one area where there is still so much judgement and limitation, categorization of good and bad, and where there is still so much fear. When we are blocked around sexuality it is very hard to open up fully to love.

And beyond even that, unblocking sexual energy leads to greater love, as the power of sexual energy - its passion, pleasure and potential - becomes a powerhouse to drive the love energy. Sexual energy is the foundation of life. Focused passion is a driving creative force. The power of pleasure is freeing and liberating and creates loving openness and flow within and between people.

I am blessed to see this unblocking and freeing occur every day in the people I work with. Individuals and couples come to me with personal or relational hopes and concerns around sex love and intimacy. Seeing them letting go of blocks, increasing awareness, coming to understanding, releasing and freeing themselves, is a beautiful thing to witness and be part of.

As 2014 comes to an end and I look towards the next year I’m ever more committed to continue this work, which is essentially about raising the vibration of humanity and increasing love energy, through what I believe is probably the last bastion of blockage to conscious awareness and spiritual growth - our sexuality.

To those who have been part of the journey in 2014, thank-you for your trust in me to help and guide you. It has also been an extraordinary year for me personally in terms of my own growth and I acknowledge the importance of all of you in the two-way exchange of our mutual development.

Wishing you a safe, merry and lusciously loving festive season!

Sensual, tantric play heightens pleasure and so can kinky play. Put the two together and you go places - to Sub-Space and Dom-Space.

Playing with dominance and submission is about playing with the yin and yang of sexuality. When done with extreme connection and respect it is a beautiful experience.

Many people have concerns about dominance and submission because it harks back to the bad old days when women had no choice but to be submissive to men, in all areas of life. As I’ve explained in my previous blog articles (see A History of Sexual Misinformation), the imbalance between the masculine and feminine in society led to a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. True Dominant-Submissive play requires a meeting of equals, there’s no servility required (at least, not on the Sub’s part, you could argue that in fact it’s the Dom(me) who is serving the Sub).

What we’re really talking about is ‘command’ and ‘receptivity’. It is not gender-related, a woman can be a Domme as much as a man can be a Dom, and plenty of people are Switches, that is, they like to take both roles. Although most people will have an erotic preference, that is, one role will be more erotically moving for them, and enable them to have a deeper, more satisfying experience than the other. In my case for example, while I love to give my partner beautiful sensual experiences in the dominant role, it doesn’t move me or take me places anywhere near the depth that being in the submissive role does; and for him it’s the opposite.

When a Dom(me) can ‘hold the space’ for the Sub, the Sub can completely let go, and in letting go can enter Sub-Space, a divinely blissful state. In seeing and feeling their partner go to such a beautiful place, knowing they’ve opened and surrendered to them, the Dom(me) goes into Dom-Space, feeling desired and powerful and able to surrender to themselves, freeing them to pleasure themselves with their Sub.

The skill here is for the Dom(me) to be able to hold the space. This requires a deep, deep stillness and calmness. It’s as though the Dom(me) becomes a deep tranquil pool in which the Sub can bathe themselves. Any worry, anxiety, arrogance, or disrespect on the Dom(me)’s part will bring the Sub out of that space, as will too much speed.

The skill for the Sub, assuming the Dom(me) is being as just described, is to let go. This requires an ability to get out of their head and fully feel into the experience. The relating has a sense of ritual to it. It is meditative. It is like a dance.

To enter that space the Dom(me) and Sub need to agree on the nature of the interaction, the boundaries, and have ways of indicating if either of them need to stop or lessen intensity (through safe words and safe signals). For this level of trust, the conversation beforehand is essential.

The greater the bond between the two, the further they can go in their explorations, using elements of restraint, pleasure/pain, teasing and command.

Sensual Kink can be a wonderful place to explore. It's not for everybody, you may not be sure it’s for you or your partner. But hey, it might be, and wouldn’t it open up a whole range of possibilities? Start with a blindfold and some strawberries at the most basic level, and see where your explorations take you…

What would you like to do sexually if you were brave enough to do it?

And let’s be honest here, what would you like to do if you could be sure that it would be a wonderful experience and couldn’t possibly go terribly wrong?

There might also be that niggling thought of whether your fantasy is good/moral/healthy/won’t-send-me-straight-to-hell. Just for the sake of argument here, let’s go with the concept that any consensual activity between consenting living adult humans is ok. So if you want to do it and the person/people you’re doing it with want to do it too, then all good.

Now there might be problems if the person agreeable to engage in a fantasy with you is not your partner. That could preclude the fantasy, but not necessarily.

You see, the most important thing here is communicating what your fantasy is. Or if you don’t even know what your fantasy is or could be, finding enjoyable enlightening ways of talking about possibilities.

It takes good communication skills to be able to open up without fear of rejection or negativity on your partner’s part. That’s why I stress the importance of good communication, without it your sexual relationship will stay limited and most probably contract.

It doesn’t have to be heavy though, in fact it should be fun. Sex is play-time for grown-ups remember and talking about it should be just as much fun.

So, you could read some erotica together, or watch erotic movies and talk about what you did and didn’t like about the content. If there are elements of mutual erotic interest, then you can have a chat about how you could introduce that kind of play into your own sexual play. Notice that I say, ‘that kind of play’, it doesn’t have to be identical. Often what we see or read about is more extreme than what we’d like to do ourselves, particularly if it’s a new, rather scary concept. So, tone it down a bit. If the idea of sex in a restaurant gets you excited, it doesn’t mean you have to run down to your local cheap and cheerful Chinese and bare all. You might just play footsies under the table without knickers on. If you do want to go the whole way, you might want to research dark restaurants with private booths and discrete waiting staff.

The point is that you have to make it your own.

You can also play games with each other along the lines of spin the bottle, truth and dare, you tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.

Or start telling an erotic story, then take it in turns to add to the story. It’s amazing what you can find out about each other when you play this game. At the very least you can have good giggle. Start with something like: “It was a dark stormy night when you walked in out of the cold carrying an unusual brown paper bag. You placed in front of me with a peculiar look in your eye and said.” And then your partner continues

Keep in mind that not all fantasies have to be acted out. It might be a bit hard to get a whole football team to fit in the bedroom anyway. Not to mention that historical or sci-fi or other fantastical fantasies can’t be done. Just the sharing can be erotic fun though, and it can provide inspiration for more everyday loving.

I was asked these questions recently for a women’s magazine:

1. Why is playing dress ups in the bedroom (whether it be naughty nurse or Roman Gladiator) so much fun for a couple?

Because pretending to be someone else can free you up to be less inhibited. You can try things you wouldn’t normally do because it’s not ‘you’ doing it, it’s your character. It’s also just fun and silly, and when you’re doing things that are fun and silly you feel happier and therefore the whole experience is more enjoyable.

2. How should a woman suggest a dress-up session to her partner?

Playfully! This is play-time for grown-ups, so the suggestion needs to set the mood. You might be watching a movie that gives you an idea, or reading a book: “Ooh, sweetheart, Captain Jack Sparrow is so sexy, how about we play pirates, and I can be your captive, that is, if you can subdue me!”

3. What are your tips for couples wanting to play dress ups? (e.g. make sure you stay in character? have lots of fun accessories? Leave on parts of the outfit even when you get down to business? etc)

Costumes and props certainly help set the mood and let you get into character, and the planning and shopping can add to the anticipation - which is very good for building desire! But then again, it might be a spontaneous decision - you’re Little Red Riding Hood to his Big Bad Wolf, and there’s no time for dress-up, you just have to run, fast!!

4. Is there a certain position or sexual act you can recommend when playing dress ups?

That all depends on what you’re playing! If you’re the Policewoman interrogating the very very bad criminal, you’ll probably be behaving quite differently than if you’re the Roman Emperor’s favourite sex slave, if you get my drift.

So don’t think about things like acts and positions, overthinking will get in the way. Let yourselves go into the fantasy and allow whatever happens to happen, you may be surprised at just how creative you can be!

In the last post I wrote about consensual non-monogamy. It’s an option for some people and it can work. However, it’s not for everyone. Most people prefer to be at least primarily, if not exclusively, monogamous.

But for monogamy to work you need consensual non-monotony.

Yes, it’s a play on words, but it’s also an extremely important point. A couple can only have good on-going sex if they both agree to make it good.

As I’ve stressed so often, good sex doesn’t just ‘happen’, you must work at it, and you both have to work at it as a joint project. Otherwise, you get complacency and dreariness.

You both need to agree to ditch the monotony!

This is the most common client problem that I deal with - couples who want to improve the quality of their sex life. While a small proportion are open to considering non-monogamy, most want to improve things between themselves alone.

The key to success at consensual non-monotony is openness with each other – honest, real communication. That’s what is required to be able to discuss and explore and examine and refine.

This level of openness with each other is only possible if you have complete respect for each other, for yourself and for them. If you feel that your partner is judging you, or if you feel that you’re judging yourself then you will hold yourself back and you will not be completely open.

It’s really hard to be this open with your partner! It’s hard to be so trusting and so non-judgmental. It takes practice. I know from working with couples, that once they get to this level of open communication that the miracles start happening. I love that point! It’s what makes my work so worthwhile.

So, consent to non-monotony – and make it happen!

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately, most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it must be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I do want to stress though, that in this society it’s not easy to be non-monogamous, and I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone should be. However, it does work for some people. I often work with couples (and triads) exploring non-monogamy and help them decide if it is for them and if so how to go about it safely and respectfully.

Whether it’s something you’re considering for yourselves, or if you’re just curious about possibilities, here is a description of different approaches to consensual non-monogamy.

Polyamory
This is where a person has more than one committed relationship going on at the same time. The founding belief is that you can love more than one person at a time, and you can have a committed loving on-going sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

In this situation you generally don’t have a primary ‘couple’ as such, although it can be that two people are married and one or both also has one or more other committed relationships. (You can imagine that polyamorous ‘families’, as they’re often termed, can get quite complex in structure!) These types of relationship structures can be quite fluid and organic as partners grow and change.

Swinging
This is where a committed couple have sex with other people at the same time. They do not have sex with other people on their own or without their partner being present.

Each couple will have their own rules about what they agree to do. Generally, the options are;

• play with other people, but no intercourse or no genital interaction;
• play with other women only;
• play with other men only;
• one plays while the other watches;
• only play with other couples;
• watch other people but only have sex with themselves;
• play freely within a certain situation such as at a swingers party or swingers club.

It’s important that a couple who get into swinging continually check in on each other to make sure both are comfortable with what’s going on and take it slowly.

Open Relationship
This is where a couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people. They remain the primary couple at all times, and each is the primary partner to the other. Any other sexual interactions are secondary, and the primary relationship takes precedence.

Each couple will have their own rules around how this is possible, such as:

• only when you’re out of town;
• not with friends;
• only with people of a certain sex;
• tell all;
• tell bits;
• don’t tell all;
• ask me first;
• only once a year (or some other time frame).

The key thing to successful non-monogamous relationships is that it is done:

• respectfully
• safely
• with continuous communication
• with continual openness to renegotiate.

When done like this, non-monogamy can offer a broader, more satisfying approach to relating than the serial monogamy approach to relationships that are the norm in this society. As I've mentioned before, I believe we are all on a continuum of monogamy, with some of us completely monogamous and some of us completely non-monogamous and most of us somewhere in-between.

If you choose the standard monogamy option, that tends to be easier as the 'rules' are established by society rather than the couple (although even then most couples will have to set their own rules around levels of acceptable interaction and friendships with people of the opposite sex). If you choose non-monogamy then you have to set your own rules, and that means complete honesty and excellent communication, plus a willingness to experiment, make mistakes and continually reassess and evolve.

It's not for everyone, but it can and does work. And one thing's for sure, the standard dual option of pure monogamy or deceitful infidelity is not the answer.

If you’re interested in finding out more, I recommend the excellent books The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy and Polyamory – the new love without limitsby Dr D M Anapol.

 

Regular 69 can be pretty challenging, receiving and giving focused pleasure at the same time - aargh!

And if you’re still stuck in the belief that genital stimulation has to lead to orgasm, it's even worse - how can you orgasm when you’re distracted with giving the pleasure, or vice versa??

I’m more an exponent of Languid 69.

You still get the benefit of focusing on each other’s lovely genitals, without such intense simultaneous stimulation.

So lie together in your standard 69 position: top to toe, heads and hands at the level of each other’s pelvises.

Then take it in turns to focus on your partner. One receives while the other gives delectable oral pleasure. The receiver gives most of their attention to the receiving, while cupping their hands over their partner’s genitals, or playing with them lightly. Then, with ease and grace, you swap roles, with the focused giver becoming the focused receiver and the light giver becoming the light receiver.

What’s so lovely about this approach to oral sex is that it is languid. There is no on-going or increasing intensity (although there might be moments or periods of fervour). The aim is not to get the other off, simply to share delicious pleasure.

A gorgeous connection and flow of energy is maintained by the coupling between both lovers’ pelvises and heads or hands. Yet this continues in a non-distracting way, because the one giving the focused pleasure is not distracted by intense pleasure on their own genitals. The receiver of the focused pleasure only touches the other in a gentle way.

So there is more flow than in standard 69 and more connection than simply taking it in turns to go down on each other.

The flow from one to the other is natural, as the receiver of the focused pleasure moves their attention to greater focus on their partner, and they in turn lessen focus and receive.

This can go on for hours and hours.

I consider myself sexually monogamous, but sensually non-monogamous.

What I mean by that is that I keep my genitals to myself and my partner. For me that’s ‘sacred zone’ just for us. I have no desire to share that part of myself with anyone else. But there’s so much more available to share and enjoy with others when you go beyond the genitals. As I say so often, sexuality is so much more than engaging our nether regions. I have been called a sexual energy slut, and it’s probably true. I love to bathe in the sexual energy of others.

It gets quite Sapphic with women - holding the gaze while feeling the flow of energy between us; touching their soft skin so lightly; the gentle brush of feminine lip on lip. There is a sense of suffusion of feeling that then gathers more obviously into a sublime flow of sexual energy within and without.

With men the energy is different, stronger. I tend to feel it more directly in the lower chakras, from there it rises and diffuses throughout my body. The touch of a man, energetically or physically is masculine, and feeds my femininity.

It is far more a spiritual experience than physical. It has very little in common with mainstream views of what is ‘sexual’.

This is assuming those I share energy with are balanced in their yin and yang, are open to the sharing and merging of sexual energy. If there is a grasping energy behind it, anything sordid or sleazy, then there is no energetic opening, at least not a positive one.

The sharing of sensuality, of sexual energy, is done with openness, with great love, flow, depth, connection; and it feeds and enhances our sense of self and our personal growth.

Your sensual openness can be as much or as little as you and your partner feel comfortable with. And there’s a time and place of course. At times it will be simply admiring another person, feeling a connection as humans, simply knowing there is a sexual energetic connection that links us all. At other times it might involve touch, even kissing, depending on the situation and of course on what you have discussed and agreed with your partner. As with all aspects of sexuality that extends beyond the narrowly defined norms of our society, open-hearted honest communication between partners is essential to being able to live freely and safely.

Making love to yourself is a wonderful experience. It gets you in touch with your body, more confident in your sexuality, it makes you more orgasmic, floods your body with happy hormones, and generally makes you happier and healthier!

I call it self-pleasuring, which is a far more appealing and indulgent term than the clinical, and somehow ‘wrong’ sounding term of ‘masturbation’.

Solo sex is different to partnered sex. It’s not worse than partnered sex, or less than partnered sex - what you do when you can’t get the ‘real thing’ - it’s just different.
It is still sex, at least the type of sex that I promote, that is, it’s about pleasure not just the quickest route to orgasm - so treat it like sex and actually make love to yourself.

First, set the scene. You want to be in a luscious environment, with gorgeous music, soft lighting, lots of pillows stacked behind you so that you’re reclining rather than flat on your back.

You might like to have a bath first to relax yourself - maybe ready some erotica as you bathe. Or read some erotica as preparation while you eat a few delectable chocolates…

Lather your body with scented oils, paying particular attention to your breasts. Caress and feel all your lovely lady curves - your shoulders, tummy, hips, thighs, all of it. Take the time to prepare your body for genital stimulation.

When you feel ready, cup your vulva with one hand and leave it there while you take the time to connect with your genitals. Feel their heat, feel their softness, feel their beauty, feel their power.

You might like to have your other hand on the centre of your chest, so you’re connecting the heart and sexual centres of your body. If this appeals, you can imagine that your love energy is running down your arm from your chest into your vulva, and the sexual energy is running up your body from genitals to heart, in a continuous flow, merging the love and sexual energies within you.

As you feel ready, gently explore your vulva, stroking your lips and your clitoris, exploring your vagina a little, connecting more with your genital area.

Now put a little lube on your fingers and start stroking your clitoris. Explore different strokes, speed, rhythms, and pressure. Notice how even a tiny change in location can make quite a difference in sensation.

Experiment with your legs in different positions: apart, together, in frog pose (soles of feet touching). Experiment with using your hand as well: to hold your lips apart, or put fingers in your vagina, or squeeze your nipples. Try lying on your side or on your tummy as well as on your back, reclining or sitting.

You might like to put a dildo or vibrator (or even just a carrot, seriously) inside your vagina for internal stimulation, or just for a feeling of fullness.

I recommend using your fingers, but if you prefer a vibrator, that’s fine, do warm yourself up with your fingers first though.

As you feel your arousal building, experiment with belly breathing and squeezing your pelvic floor muscles to draw in the energy. If you like, you can practice the Microcosmic Circuit or Flute Breath, drawing the energy around your body or up the centre. In particular, do this as you approach orgasm and see if you can prolong the pleasure.

Once you do come, keep your hand resting over your vulva and continue to draw the energy into your body, feeling the pleasure dance throughout your whole body.

Do this as many times as you like - women’s genitals can come and come again! If you do it this way, really make love to yourself, then it won’t drain you, it will invigorate you!

You’ll notice I’ve used the word ‘experiment’ a lot because you are experimenting with your body. Your own body is your laboratory of love. There’s no right or wrong, just what’s right for you, and the more you experiment and get to know your own body, the better you’ll know what is right for you and the better your love making will be - solo and partnered!


To discover more about making love to yourself, and celebrating your female sexuality, enrol in my online women's course!