"Oh, yeah, oh yeah, that’s good, oh yeah, mmm, oh, yeah, oh god oh god, mmm, mmm..."
It’s hard to convey in writing – so listen to the podcast – but those moans and groans during sex are so sexy. It’s a turn-on for your partner to hear them and it actually makes the experience more pleasurable for you too.
Why? Well, firstly we all like to know that our partner is enjoying themselves when we’re having sex with them, no-one wants to have sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, particularly if it’s your beloved – and it’s a sexual confidence-builder to know that we’re good at pleasuring our partner. It’s a pleasure to pleasure!
And then, it feels better for us as individuals when we make sounds. Why? Because we’re opening and releasing. We’re breathing, we’re letting the feeling, the pleasure, the energy flow and that creates more good feeling. If you’re feeling tight and holding it in, then there’s no flow and no release.
It’s particularly good when we let the sounds come from deep in our torso. The higher sounds which come from high in our torso or throat, are good, but see what it’s like when you drop down into your belly and pelvis and let the sounds come from deep within. Notice how the feeling changes when the sound changes in tone, strength, loudness and so forth.
Now, I want to make an important point here - some people think that vocalising during sex needs to be some kind of pornified ‘dirty talk’, sleazy, often denigrating ‘do me big boy’ or ‘take this you dirty slut’ kind of talk. Look, if that’s your thing, fine, but for most people it’s not their thing, particularly not with someone they love. That kind of talk is a big turn off, not a turn on.
Another common problem with trying to be vocal during sex, is thinking that you have to use words. Again, if you do like that and can do it no problem, then go for it. If you like telling stories while having sex and it keeps you present and connected, that’s great. It’s certainly easier to do if you are giving focused pleasure to your partner and not receiving it yourself. But when you’re receiving pleasure, either because your partner is focused on you manually or orally or because you are engaged in mutual activity like intercourse, lots of people can’t speak without losing the mood.
I suspect that this is because when you’ve moved into that erotic altered state of consciousness, had the ‘erotic shift’ that I described in the last blog post, then you’ve moved from the logical, focused left-hemisphere of your brain to the broader, less-boundaried right-side of the brain (see my article Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain for more on this). The speech centres are in the left side of the brain, so if you’re in the right side your speech centres aren’t engaged. So to be able to speak you have to move your awareness to the left-side to engage the speech centres, you have to draw yourself out of a broad, euphoric, unfocused state, to an alert focused one, and you lose all that lovely rapturous trance-link feeling.
So, what’s the solution? Simple, use your breath. On the out breath, let out a sound. Experiment with deep and high tones, closed mouth ‘mmm’s and open mouth ‘ah’s. Then add some simple words that can come out with thinking about it – yeah, good, oh god, type of thing. (Listen to my podcast version to hear me demonstrate verbally.) Practise it alone, so you can get used to the feeling and don’t feel awkward. Or for a bit of fun, sit opposite your partner and practice it together – it can be really arousing!
But what if it gets too noisy, you might ask. Well, that’s what pillows and cushions are for, especially those little ones that sit in front of the big pillows on the bed, they are perfect for holding over your mouth and moaning into when you want to let it all out!