How do you know when you’re having good sex? When there are no negative feelings and emotions associated with it. That is, when it comes from, feels like and results in positive states.
There are so many negative emotions associated with sex – shame, guilt, fear, obligation, disgust, entitlement, boredom, as well as negative physical sensations of pain and discomfort. None of these make for good sex. So, ask yourself:
What’s driving you?
If you feel obliged to do it to keep your partner happy, it’s not good sex.
If you feel an expectation that you should have sex, it’s not good sex.
If you feel entitled to sex regardless of where your partner’s at, it’s not good sex.
How does it feel when you’re doing it?
If it’s painful or uncomfortable, it’s not good sex.
If it’s boring, it’s not good sex.
If you wish it would end, it’s not good sex.
If you feel you have to hit certain KPIs, it’s not good sex.
If you’re doing what your partner wants not what you want, it’s not good sex
If you were enjoying it, but now you’re not and you don’t stop, it’s not good sex.
How does it feel afterwards?
If you feel shame, it’s not good sex.
If you feel disgust, it’s not good sex.
If you feel relief it’s over (and you won’t have to do it again for a while), it’s not good sex.
Well, that all sounds pretty negative! So when is it good?
It’s good sex when you are engaging because you truly want to, it’s mutual, it’s pleasurable, it’s connected, you’re engaging in a way that you feel good moment by moment, and it leaves you feeling that your life has been enhanced for the doing of it.
It’s the same with more specific desires. What’s driving them?
For example, say a man wants to watch his wife having sex with another man. Is this coming from an internalised shame that he doesn’t deserve a woman like her? Or is it coming from the fact that watching her as a third person gives him a different perspective that adds to the sexiness and his pleasure? If it’s the first there are unresolved negative emotions driving the desire, and if it’s the second then the desire is coming from a positive place.
To take another example, say a woman wants to be submissive sexually. Is this because she is too ashamed to express her desires and wants her partner to be in control so she doesn’t have to say anything? Or is it because being submissive enhances her eroticism and pleasure (and she’s discussed this with her partner in great detail previously)? If it’s the former it’s coming from a negative state and if it’s the latter then it’s positive.
One more example, say someone is diligently attempting to give their partner an orgasm, but it’s not happening. Are they persevering because they feel they’ll have ‘failed’ if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm? Or are they persevering because they are enjoying the experience of pleasuring their partner regardless of the outcome (and knowing their partner will let them know either way)? If it’s the former it’s coming from a negative expectation and if it’s the latter it’s positive.
So you can see that it’s not about specific behaviours being good or bad, it’s what driving them. Pretty well anything is ok (assuming it’s sane and legal) if it’s engaged in with self-awareness and open sharing with your partner.
Pay attention to what you’re feeling before during and after, you’ll learn so much about yourself. Share with each other, support each other, and you’ll find that you’ll clear negativity associated with your sexuality. And of course, if you’re finding it challenging, see a professional like me to help shine a light and gain clarity!