Download Audio: The Beauty of Conflict
There are three important points to understand about conflict:
So, how do we use difference creatively, rather than destructively?...
Any interchange between people has a flow of energy. If you have opposing views and try to block the energy between you, you’ll either have a stalemate or the stronger person will win, neither of which is a good outcome. So, try not to block that energy by being stubborn or rigid. Be open to it and see where it takes you. Flow with it, but don’t be swept away. Accept the direction the discussion takes and explore it.
To be able to let the energies flow it’s important that you’re strong within yourself. The ancient Chinese text “The Art of War” states that the fiercest enemy is one who is not afraid to die. What this means in a modern context is that if you're not attached to an outcome, you can’t be hurt. If you’re fixed on a certain outcome, or if you’re fearful of a negative response, you’re vulnerable. But when you stay open to your partner’s opinions, you actually hear your partner. This keeps both of you calmer, so you can be flexible, and you’re much more likely to manage the interaction smoothly and have a satisfactory outcome.
In practical terms, this means:
It's also important that you know your own anger style - what your buttons are, what sets you off. You need to know your “red flags” so you can be prepared if they arise. And keep in mind that your anger response might not necessarily be ranting and raving, it could be clamming up and refusing to discuss an issue, which is just as ineffective as yelling.
And always be prepared to say you’re sorry. The genuine apology is a Noble Quality, and a major tool in a smooth life.
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