Sure, sometimes there are times when you want a quick wank, just as stress release or to rid yourself of a persistent urge. But for a man who wants to be a great lover, someone who is in tune with his sexuality and can make awesome love with his partner, what you really want is ‘solo cultivation’.
This term comes from the Taoist (Chinese) sexual practices. It essentially means you are masturbating to improve yourself. The furtive wank in front of the computer watching three barbie doll look-alikes pretend to be getting off on each other is fine, but it’s not improving yourself. It’s a bit like grabbing a take-away hamburger from a fast food chain - that’s not great nutrition, it’ll get you by when you’re desperate for a feed, but you won’t develop a great body from it. Wanking to porn as opposed to mindful masturbation is the same.
We don’t generally think of masturbation as a way to better yourself, so this will take a bit of mind shift.
First, you need to make time and space, and move away from the computer (or other device). Be somewhere comfortable, such as sitting in an armchair or reclining on a pile of pillows on your bed, and make sure it’s a chilled environment, maybe play some cool music.
Do some belly breathing for a few minutes, nice and slow, to get yourself relaxed. Then do a body scan, where you bring your focus to all the parts of your body, from toes through to tips of your fingers and top of your head, noticing where there’s tension and consciously relaxing those parts.
When it feels right, take hold of your penis and bring your attention to it. Breathe into your penis and really connect with it, feeling that you and it are a team. Start moving in a pleasurable way, no rush.
Then as you play with yourself do the following (this can be over many sessions, not necessarily all at once):
- Notice how aroused you are on a scale of 1-10.
- Practice raising and lowering your level of arousal, with hand motion, pace and rhythm and your thoughts.
- See if you can hang around the 7-9 level, as though you are swimming in the pleasure.
- When you find yourself getting excited, notice how your energy rises in your body and practice lowering it by belly breathing.
- Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles at various levels of arousal and see if you can get a sense of drawing the sexual energy inwards, so that the pleasure stays in the body rather than being drawn outward.
- Imagine you’re breathing your sexual energy up your spine, over the top of your head and down your front. Practice doing this closer and closer to the point of orgasm, seeing if you can feel orgasmic sensation without ejaculation.
- Once you do ejaculate (and you don’t have to) continue to have a sense of drawing the energy in and allowing the pleasure to suffuse your whole body. Stay there for a little while, enjoying the sensation, continuing to breathe.
The benefits to practicing masturbation like this are that you’ll:
- become more connected with your penis,
- stay present and focused during sex,
- be more in tune with your partner,
- be more in your body and less in your head during sex so it will flow more naturally
- stay erect more easily (and be less fussed if your erection rises and falls),
- last longer if you come quickly
- come faster if you take too long.
So get cultivating!