I had an interesting few days recently, running a workshop for women, followed two days later with a seminar for men.

For me it was truly wonderful to work with a group of 16 women over two days and feel and see them come more fully into the strength and softness of their femininity and become more sexually confident and expressive. Such gorgeous strong feminine women!

And then two days later to work with a group of 15 men for an evening of coming into the strength and softness of their masculinity, becoming more sexually confident and (according to feedback from participants and/or their partners) more sexually expressive. Such gorgeous strong masculine men!

It really brought home to me how equal men and women are in their innate sexual energy, but how differently that energy is expressed.

Vive la difference!

We are all equal, and thank god for social changes that have given reasonable social, political, economic, etc equality between the sexes. God forbid that we should ever go back to a time when women were considered inferior to men in so many ways or that that inferiority be entrenched in society.

But equal does not mean same. Women have proven that they can be as tough as men and can change tires and lead boardroom meetings; and men have proven they can be as tender as women and can change nappies and bake muffins. And that’s great. But please women, don’t lose what is so intrinsically and wonderfully feminine about you as a woman when you do; and please men, don’t lose what is so intrinsically and wonderfully masculine about you as a man when you do.

I’ll say it again: vive la difference!

One of my recent blog posts describes the energetics of the feminine and the masculine in more detail. The essence of it is that for the majority of the population, a balanced women has her softness, her yin, on the outside and her strength, or yang, on the inside and a balanced man has his yang strength on the outside and his yin softness on the inside. It’s this opposition and complementarity that in large part maintains the sexual tension, the ‘oomph’ factor. (In same sex relationships a different but similar dynamic is working.)

If this is lost because the man is a WIMP (weak inept mopey purposeless person) - all softness and no strength, or a SHIT (selfish hard insensitive tosser) - all hard on the outside and no entry to his internal softness; and/or if the woman is a DRIP (docile rueful ineffective person) – all softness with no inner strength, or a SHREW (stressed hard resentful emasculating woman) – with hard barriers on the outside, not allowing access to her softness or her true inner strength, then you’re not going to have the kind of connection that allows for good sex, if any sex at all.

I’m not implying here that to be masculine means macho and aggressive, nor that feminine means pathetic and weak. Far from it. One of the reasons I’ve developed the concept of the Seven Elements of Sexuality is to show the breadth of ways to express oneself sexually, for both sexes.

I see it over and over again in my clinic and when talking and working with people all over the place – men are not being true and real as men in the bedroom, and their women want them to be; and women are not being true and real as women in the bedroom, and their men want them to be.

And everyone is so confused about this!

Because it’s been drilled into us, for example, that it’s bad for women to be submissive and for men to be dominant. But it’s not! Submission does not mean weak, and dominance does not mean domineering. (Nor am I even implying that women should be submissive and men dominant.)

So, we hide from what might be real and do and act the way we feel we should. But over time that acting becomes just that, and we either can’t be bothered or else get frustrated because it isn’t real, it’s an act.

It’s hard to find the right words to describe what I’m talking about, because these words have become so loaded with meaning. Even the word ‘feminine’ has come to imply something weak and dependant, rather than strong and gorgeous. Which is one of the reasons why I encourage people to come to my workshops and retreats to start to feel what it’s like to be real.

I met up with one couple during the week who had done my men’s and women’s workshops over the previous week, and they were beaming! He said that in observing how my partner and I interacted, he actually ‘got’ what it meant to allow his masculine energy to come out in a powerful yet softly respectful way. Already he’d found that this enabled his wife’s feminine energy to emerge without her needing to control so she could let go – and both have truly awesome sex!

Another client who had attended the Luscious Woman workshop walked into my office so transformed from her hard-edged resentment into glowing gentleness that it was all I could do not to hug her - and her husband was finding it so much easier to come into his masculine fullness because she wasn’t terrifying him! Again, great sex resulted!

This is powerful stuff. I really admire you for coming on this journey of self-discovery, particularly in a part of life that is so very screwed up in our society. It can be hard and confusing, but this is fantastic work that can effect deep realisation and true expression of self, without all the barriers that constrain us in expressing who we really are, particularly in relation to our intrinsic masculinity or femininity (and we all have both).

Happy new year! I hope you’re having a great festive season and are taking time to look over your life and acknowledge where life is going well and where it could do with improving.
 
 Hopefully you’ve gone so far as to make some new years resolutions. These are probably to do with health issues such as getting fit or drinking less, or to do with finance issues such as saving money or getting a raise. If so, they're all very worthy resolutions and good on you for making them.
 
 Here’s another one for you:
 
“I resolve to have better sex this year.”

Say it out loud. Go on, this is a practical exercise.
 
 How did it feel? If it felt good and powerful and real, excellent, skip over to the check-list below. If it felt awkward or a bit silly or even embarrassing, then let’s take a moment to consider why you would feel that way.
 
 Sex is a fundamental part of being human, and a good sex life has enormous benefits in terms of improved health and well-being, greater self-esteem, better relationships (and because of that a happier, healthier and saner society) – so why would it seem odd to resolve to improve your sex life? It’s simply a reflection of our sex-negative society. Because sex hasn’t been acknowledged as the important thing it is, in the same way as for instance good nutrition and a healthy bank balance have been, we tend not to focus on it with the same level of intent as other parts of life.
 
 No-one would think you odd if you declared your resolve this year was to get fit or get a promotion. Yet if you declared your resolve is to have better sex…
 
 So, ok, you don’t have to publicly declare this intention. It’s sad that this is the case, but never mind. If you have a partner, I strongly encourage you to make this declaration together, but you can do it alone if need be. Find a place where no-one can hear you, then state out loud:
 
“I/We resolve to have better sex this year.”
 
 Excellent! That is a brilliant start to the year!
 
 I can always tell which of my clients are going to make good progress, it's all to do with their attitude. The ones that come to me stating that they are taking the therapy and coaching on as a ‘project’ are the ones that do well. They know that they have to have a positive intention, take concrete action, and realise they are on a journey.
 
 So, to get you started, here are some important points that are relevant to everyone in improving their sex life:

• Is your bedroom a boudoir, a sanctuary from real life? When you go to your bedroom do you feel you can relax? Is it attractive, comfortable, sensual? Does it have soft lighting, music?
• Do you set aside time in your week to make love? 
• Do you allow yourselves time to unwind and relax so that you can get in the mood before making love?
• Do you wear clothes that make you feel attractive and sexy? Especially underwear and night wear?
• Do you self-pleasure regularly? Both in terms of pampering yourself and masturbating?
• Do you read books or watch movies that inspire your erotic fantasies? Do you allow yourself to enjoy your private fantasies?
• Do you read books, attend workshops or watch videos for educational purposes, to improve your knowledge and skills?
• Do you and your partner talk about your love life, about what you do and don’t like, what you’d like to try, how you’d like to make it better and better?

Take some time to think about what you personally can do to improve your sex life. Based on the list above this could include some shopping, redecorating, time allocating and activities for yourself – quite pleasurable on the whole!
 
If you have a partner, talk to him or her about this. Many couples do find it difficult to talk about their sex life, so start simply, perhaps with a discussion on redecorating the bedroom. Keep it light! Heavy discussions around sex are rarely conducive to improving the situation. Book in for a session with me if you're finding this challenging.
 
 I also strongly encourage you to attend my retreats and workshops or do an online course to improve your sexual confidence and knowledge.
 
Together we can make this your year for better sex (leading on to better and better sex in the years to come…)
 
 It all starts with your resolve.

Happy festive season! ’Tis the season for peace, pleasure and good will to all!
 
 What’s this got to do with your love life?
 
Firstly - “’tis the season for peace”. 
 
 By peace I mean that inner stillness and calm that allows for presence. When you’ve got a head full of busyness it’s very hard to tune off and become still and present. You can still have pretty good sex, but it tends to be distracted, unconnected and therefore ultimately unsatisfying. So, during this time when most people have time off, focus on the peace, find the moments of quiet and tune into that. Then take that feeling into your lovemaking. It’s from that deep space that realness emerges and the sex can become whatever is real for you at the time, wild or tender or crazy as, whatever. The thing is that it’s real, it comes from within you, not some expectation or act imposed from outside.

Here’s something you can do to feel the peace. Christmas morning is the only time of the year when the country becomes peaceful. This is the one morning of the year when almost nothing is happening, when the energies are at their calmest. So go outside and notice that peace, feel how the energy of the place is different. Soak it up. Smile and breathe the feeling into your centre. With any luck you’ll feel a gorgeous tingle throughout your body and feel a connection to the broader universe.
 
Secondly – “‘tis the season for pleasure”. 
 
 Peace is the essence. From that, pleasure can flow unencumbered. Pure pleasure, which comes from allowing the crap to go and allowing feeling to flow freely through you. Too often we try and force pleasure by external means, eating chocolate, drinking and imbibing, watching porn, sex for sex sake - all of which are fine, if they come from within, but when applied from without, like a quick fix, they never satisfy, and you want more and more, all the time feeling increasingly dissatisfied.
 
 So, to feel the pure pleasure, as you indulge this season (as I hope you will), do it consciously so that you appreciate the pleasure moment-by-moment. Whether it’s partying with friends, meals with family, gift giving and receiving, just enjoying the holiday, I invite you to really and truly know you’re doing it and appreciate what you’re doing and feel the joy and pleasure that comes with it.
 
 Again, smile and breathe the feeling into your centre so you carry it with you. The more you do that in daily life, the better able you will be to do it during sex, and the more pleasure you will feel in and out of the bedroom.
 
Thirdly – “‘tis the season to spread goodwill to all.” 
 
 Well, as you’ve heard me say so many times, I reckon that if everyone in the world was feeling sexually empowered and having great sex, then the world would be a saner and happier place all round! As you become more consciously peaceful and pleasure seeking this season, notice how you feel more benevolent and connected to other people and the world in general. Again, goodwill is difficult if it’s an imposition, but when it’s a genuine expression from the real you, then it adds more and more to you own sense of experience and fulfillment in the world.
 
 What better time to practice than at the end of the year!
 
 So go forth and be peaceful and pleasure-filled – in yourself, in the bedroom and in the world!

A wonderful new book has just been released, 101 Vagina. The left-hand pages each have a black and white photo of a woman, front on, from belly to thigh, nude. On the right hand page is a piece written by the women about her genitals and how she feels about them.

So, depending on how much hair she has, you can see her vulva, looking like a little hamburger nestled between her thighs.
 
 I love those little hamburgers! And from what I’ve heard from men, they do too!
 
 It’s such a shame though that so many women don’t love their little hamburger. To the extent that there is a boom in women, particularly young women, having their genitals mutilated by plastic surgeons so that their hamburger looks like just the bun, without any filling.
 
 I’m using deliberately emotional language here, because I think it’s appalling that women have such a negative image of their bodies that they think spending large amounts of money to mutilate a part of the body that is rarely shown, is a desirable thing.
 
 Who said a woman’s inner labia should be shorter than her outer labia? Or that the edges of her outer labia should meet perfectly so that all you see is a crease? Why is it that women’s genitals are supposed to look those of like pre-pubescent girls - hairless and with only a crease on show? (Which begs the next question, if the genitals are supposed to be pre-pubescent, why then are the breasts supposed to look like lactating mothers - full and round, almost bursting?)
 
 There are a couple of wonderful documentaries, one Australian and one British, about how censorship of girlie magazines requires that only the “genital crease” be shown - the hamburger is not allowed to have any filling at all. No doubt this has led to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies not looking air-brushed.
 
 Another wonderful book is The Heart of the Flower, which beautifully portrays wide-open genitals. While from the front they look like hamburgers, when open, they do look like flowers - with a very wide range of petals!
 
 The saddest think I think about women feeling their genitals need to be “simplified” is that they actually look more boring. It’s like picking the petals off a flower and leaving just the bud because in some screwy way, the petals are “offensive”.
 
 Open flowers, like mature vulvas, are luscious things, diverse in their appearance, with unique textures and patterns and scents. Take away all that and you’re left with plastic Barbie doll groins - uniform, soulless, and ultimately, not at all sexual.
 
 Bring back the appreciation of lusciousness in vaginas! Love your overflowing hamburger! Love your petaled flower, no matter the shape and form of your petals!
 
 Let’s love our luscious lady parts - our vaginas, vulvas, yonis, honey pots, cinnabar crevices, bajingo or whatever you call her.
 
 She is unique,
 She is yours and
 She is lovely! 

 I had a good chat recently with a woman who loves to make love with her husband, she said that she never refuses her husband, that she always comes from a place of "Yes!".
 
  Apparently her mother had drilled into her that it was the best way to stay happy and connected in a marriage, and it was good advice - regular, quality love-making definitely strengthens a relationship.
 
  I had to agree, I too like to say "Yes!" to sex (and when I say ’sex’ I mean love-making not just intercourse, not even genital interaction) - and I'd love it if you could too and definitely not in a “just do it” kind of way. I want you to say “Yes!", not “Oh well, if I must” or “Ok, if you’ll shut up about it” or “Well, OK. I suppose you did vacuum the house…”

I’m not asking you to say “yes” out of a sense of obligation or duty or as a trade-off. I’m saying say ‘Yes!’ to sex because it feels good to be intimate with your partner, because you know that even if you’re not really feeling it yet, if you focus on the beforeplay and then the foreplay, chances are you’ll be having a pretty good time. Then once the deed is done and you’re both in that lovely post-nuptial state with all sorts of yummy hormones flowing through your body that are making you feel loving, making you feel happy, keeping you feeling and looking young and vital - well, then you’ll be glad you said “Yes!” to sex. And you’ll find it easier and easier to keep saying “yes”.
 
  It doesn’t have to be a huge enthusiastic “YES!!!” for every encounter. It merely has to be a “yes” of openness and receptivity – more of a “Yes. Why not? Let’s start and see where it leads...” Then you need to be sufficiently in tune with yourself to know how you’d like to proceed. Maybe that’s simply following the initiating partner’s lead, or stating that you’d like a bath first or you need to finish some emails and “I’ll meet you in an hour” or whatever you need in that moment to get to ‘yes'.


 
  Notice that I’m not using genders here. In my practice I see at least as many couples where the man’s got the lower desire as couples where it’s the woman. We really need to ditch the myth that “all men are gagging for it and the woman are holding out”.
 
  Generally the higher-desire partner (HDP) isn’t a sex-crazed lunatic out to use and abuse you. More likely he or she simply loves you and wants to express that love sexually. It’s hard for the HDP to deal with constant rejection.
 
  Of course, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to give a firm “No!” followed by serious soul-searching as to why you got yourself into such a relationship; and then seek out a respectful, loving partner to whom you can say ‘Yes!’. Fortunately in most cases though, it’s more a matter of mismatch than of outright abuse.
 
  If you’re the lower-desire partner (LDP) you can use your partner’s desire for you to get you in the mood. Say “Yes” to their advances and allow yourself to be desired, be wanted, to be adored and worshiped! Be self-indulgent about it - “Yes, here I am, take me, the way I like it!” And in the process, naturally allow yourself to return the feeling when you feel it ...
 
  Saying “Yes!” to sex is really saying “Yes!” to yourself as someone deserving of love, pleasure and adoration.
 
  Saying “Yes!” to sex is saying “Yes!” to love.
 
  Saying “Yes!” to sex is saying “Yes!” to life.
 
  If you’re struggling with these ideas and concepts then start slowly.
 
  Start with the "ye-es..." of tentative possibility and allow it to grow into the enthusiastic "Yes!"
 
  Give yourself time to grow. 

A clitoral orgasm is a very fine thing.  It can leave you drained though.
 
 If you approach clitoral orgasm like a male ejaculatory orgasm, then it becomes about a build-up of localised sensation leading to an explosive orgasm where you feel an outward burst of energy. Momentarily pleasurable, but often flat afterwards, and you’re generally not able to continue lovemaking afterwards (whether alone or with a partner). You feel kind of, well, done.
 
 A far better way to approach clitoral orgasm is the slow build, allowing arousal to rise and fall, losing yourself in the pleasure of the sensation moment by moment. Then when the orgasm arrives, you open to it and fall into it. There is no tension, there is no grasping for the orgasm, and there is no sense of forcing it. It’s a welling up and releasing. And that releasing feels more than just genital, as though your whole body is washed with warmth and pleasure.

Then you can leave your hand (or your partner’s) over your clitoris, just touching it lightly without movement, palm over your pubis, as you relax into the feeling and allow the waves of pleasure to wash over you. This can help maintain the sensation for some time. Then, if you wish, you can do it again - even several more times.
 
 Clitoral orgasm in this way is not draining; it’s energising. By the end of the lovemaking session, whether solo or partnered, you have a sense of being “filled-up” or recharged.
 
 You might also find that each orgasm in succession has a different feel to it. I often find that the first feels more like tension release, it’s allowing my body to get into a deeper state of relaxation, so that subsequent orgasms are fuller and richer and more blissful.
 
 For this approach to clitoral orgasm, I recommend using fingers rather than a vibrator. Fingers have more finesse, more delicacy and complexity. You can play with stroke and pressure and rhythm far more easily with fingers than with a fixed implement. While I’m not against vibrators, they can be too intense for this style of pleasure and orgasm. Often women tell me they find it easier to orgasm with a vibrator. I don’t doubt it. But does the fact that it’s easier to put a frozen dinner in a microwave rather than cook from scratch, make it better? No, it’s just easier.
 
 So, I believe that if you want quality clitoral orgasms - ones with subtlety and variation and, to use a musical term, timbre, then it’s good to develop finger finesse, both your own and those of your lover.
 
 Then let the long-lasting pleasure begin! 

I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…
 
 Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.
 
 The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately, she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself.

I see so many women who have forced themselves to have sex when they weren’t ready (and by the way, if your sexual activity includes anal sex and fisting, she needs to be very very ready). They’ve been subjecting themselves to constant low level sexual trauma, and over time they’ve come to hate sex.
 
 In some cases, women have subjected themselves to high level trauma. Some of the things women get up to without truly wanting to are extraordinary - if they were getting paid for doing stuff they don’t want to it might make some sense, but they do it for free!
 
As I’ve explained elsewhere, a woman’s body opens in stages. You can’t go barrelling down to the genitals. In fact, you can’t go barrelling into a kiss if she’s not ready.
 
 If you go too far too fast her body isn’t ready. So, if she’s saying ‘no’, it means ‘no’.
 
 Chances are it means: ‘I’m not ready for that yet'.
 
 If this is you, this means you need to tune into your body and check where you’re at and what you’re ready to do. Then let your partner know.
 
 (This applies to guys too if their partner is going too fast for them, and half the couples I see the man has the lower desire, so it’s very common. The only real difference is that a man generally can’t force himself to have sex if he’s not up to it - literally!)
 
 There are no rules with sex, and you don’t have to proceed at a certain pace or in a certain order. You’ve got to treat sex like a picnic rather than a three-course meal. All you have to do is what’s right for you at that particular moment.
 
 Now for some women, there are additional barriers:

• She might have been raised in a very sexually conservative family. I’ve found that girls who are brought up with a ‘no sex before marriage’ approach to sex, often have trouble moving from a ‘sex is bad’ to a ‘sex is good’ attitude, even when they are married or in a committed relationship.
• She might have experienced sexual abuse or trauma. Whether this occurred as a child or later in life, it can cause a woman to withdraw from sexual interaction or limit that interaction.

If there are these mental or emotional barriers in place, then all the more reason to proceed with care as it will take even more attentiveness for her to become ready. If as the woman or her partner you don’t feel up to that challenge, then seeing someone like me can help shift beliefs around sex and allow a woman to blossom into the fullness of her sexuality.
 
 It can't be forced. If you want a bud to bloom, you can’t coerce it, or you’ll end up with a broken flower.
 
Guys, to learn about how to be the kind of lover that knows how to bring out the best in your partner so there is no reluctance, I recommend you do my online program for men - Black Belt in the Bedroom.
 
And women, to know who you are and what you want and be able to express that, I recommend you do my online course for women - Luscious Woman.

Once you’ve developed these skills and self-awareness, reluctance and ‘frigidity’ will be a thing of the past!

What is Tantra?
 
 Essentially, it’s mindful sex. Or to be a little broader: mindful loving. Loving with presence and focus, fully engaged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
 
 Mindful sex means that:

• your monkey chatter mind is stilled, so your brain can focus creatively and connectedly;
• your body has heightened awareness, fully using each of its five senses, so there is great feeling throughout the whole body;
• you’re focused on the whole body, and even beyond the body, not just the genitals;
• there is a palpable energetic flow within you and between you, you feel connected;
• your sexual play flows in peaks and valleys, from intensity to subtlety and everywhere in between;
• you communicate verbally and physically with ease and understanding;
• you feel both deep and light: deep in feeling and light in freedom;
• orgasms may or may not happen, it’s the pleasure of the process not specific outcomes that matter;
• the encounter leaves you feeling recharged and reinvigorated;
• you find that the whole of life improves, you are healthier, more vital and feel a positive joyful outlook on life.

With mindfulness a quick snuggle under the covers can be as profound as hours of play on a weekend away. It’s about what’s happening in the moment. A mindful moment can be an eternity.
 
 Mindfulness is a challenge to modern urban types whose lives rush by at a million miles an hour. So, if you can learn to incorporate it into your loving and love-making, not only will the experience of sex be so much better, you’ll become more mindful in the rest of life.

This might sound obvious, of course you should love your partner. But do you really? And if you so, how do you express that love? Are you treating your partner like your lover? Or are you treating them as your spouse/co-parent/boss/subordinate/flat-mate/carer/dependant/provider/nurturer…?

There are only two true feelings in life: love and fear. All the negative emotions are essentially some expression of fear. Anger comes from fear: so if you are narky or nagging or irritated or down right furious with your partner, you are expressing fear. Oppression comes from fear; so if you are controlling your partner, or allowing yourself to be controlled by them, you are expressing fear. And boredom comes from fear; so if you are allowing yourself to become stuck in a rut and not seek enjoyment in life, then you are expressing fear.

That fear comes from within. You are projecting your fear onto your partner in the form of anger, oppression/being oppressed and/or boredom. It comes from you.

To turn that around and allow yourself to truly love your partner, requires you to transform your fear into love. You have to own your fear and your expression of that fear, and then let it go. Allow the love in to yourself and allow it to flow out of yourself.

True love, not love based on fear, which many people mistake for love, is both strong and gentle. It’s forgiving and accepting and all-encompassing. As the fear goes the love fills up the space and the world becomes a different place.

The world really does need love, yet the media and the politicians and even the most well-meaning of people project fear out into the world, which only increases the negative. So it’s up to us to do the work on ourselves and in our closest relationships. That includes family and friends and colleagues, but most importantly it means that most primary of connections, your partner in life. This is the person with whom you have the extraordinary gift of being able to be completely open with, to the extent of sharing sexual intimacy. Nothing is as raw and vulnerable and truly open as real sexual intimacy (which is why so few people can experience it without a lot of application). Nothing else requires such a removal of fear and replacement with love. Your bedroom is the practice ground for love. Allow it there and transform the world. 

Love thy neighbour – start with thy partner.

“Batten down the hatches! Prepare for penetration!!”

It’s not exactly how a woman wants to feel when in the throes of sexual pleasure.

For maximum pleasure we need to be accepting and welcoming, not tensing and preparing for combat. Yet the language we use around sex, encourages the latter not the former.

Penetration is such an aggressive term, implying force. So ‘penetrative sex’ sounds as though something has to be broken down to get through. If the focus is going to be on the penis, then we could term it ‘insertion sex’, which is less aggressive than ‘penetration’, or even better ‘entering sex’, which has no aggressive sound to it at all.

But why are we focusing on the masculine genitals anyway? The female genitals are equally important to sex!

What’s important from the female side? Certainly not ‘resistance’, which tends to be the response to ‘penetration’.

How about ‘invitation’? When the vagina is ready, she invites the penis in. On receiving the invitation, the penis accepts with appreciation and chivalrously makes his way in.

There is such a world of difference between a penis penetrating a vagina and a vagina inviting in a penis, even if the physical act appears the same. Emotionally and energetically, they are poles apart.

Please don’t assume that just because I’m using the word invitation that the vagina only wants it gently. Oh no, she may well want to be ravished, to be taken with lust and vigour! It’s not what you do, but how you do it.

Invite and enter - then let the party get started! (No gate crashers please!)