The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 05, 2020

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#292: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 15, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

AnswerWe’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex! Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine,... read more



#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 15, 2020

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#287: On Being A Human in a Female Body

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 09, 2020



At my last Couples Retreat in Bali I made the comment to some participants that I don't feel like a woman, I feel like a human in a female body. The shocked reaction came back: "But you're so womanly, you're gorgeous, the epitome of being female, a veritable goddess!"

Which I have to say was definitely very flattering, if a little excessive!

But actually I believe the reason I come across as so "womanly" is that I have balanced my yin and yang, my masculine and feminine, within myself. I simply feel 'human' and then I inhabit a female body. And I have to say I love having a female body! But you know, if I had a male body, I'm not sure I'd feel that different, and I'm sure I'd love having a male body. Because being human and having a body is a pretty cool thing when you think about it. Miraculous actually.

So much of my work with people is to find that internal balance. Our journey in life is in large part to develop those sides of ourselves that have been stunted (eg men not in touch with their vulnerable side, or women not in touch with their powerful side) so that we can... read more


#282: On Being a Human in a Female Body

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 09, 2020

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#281: Intercourse as Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 15, 2019



Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.



The problem with this limited view is that it assumes that:
  • Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”

  • Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required


But let’s look at this differently. Let’s take a less linear view of sex and say that:
  • Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and love-making
  • Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
  • Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.


Now that’s a very different point of view!

You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive.... read more


#278: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 24, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "Hoping you can shed some light. Two months ago I decided to end a wonderful relationship, due to my partner's desire to have sex twice a day. He told me this is normal for him, and that he had it like that in his last two long-term relationships. It all came to a head when he told me he wasn’t ready for us to live together and be defacto. I felt I was being sexually used, and called it quits. But we still love one another and talk regularly and have huge chemistry between us. Can you help me? Is it normal in your 50s to be wanting sex twice a day, and how can we find a compromise?"


Answer: What’s normal is that everyone is different! There are so many elements to sex – the lead-up, initiation, timing, activities, pace, rhythm, location, atmosphere, props, aftercare – you’re always going to be different. Every couple faces the challenge of co-creating a sex life that suits you both.

But since you ask, let’s focus on the frequency point for a moment. In regard to what’s ‘normal’ in terms of frequency, the Australian Study of Health and Relationship a few years ago came up... read more


#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 24, 2019

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#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 10, 2019

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#269: The Pleasure of A Soft Cock

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 08, 2019

 

There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'.

 But what’s so wrong about a soft cock?

 Nothing, and there’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:
  • It’s lovely and soft and malleable. 

  • It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled. 

  • It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
  • Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock, particularly anal sex. 

  • You can even have sex with a completely soft cock. It’s part of the subtle approach I encourage, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the ecstatic sensations that arise.
If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Fingers have bones so they’re potentially always boners! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry... read more


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