The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#305: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 09, 2020



There are so many different ways to eat – all the way from a quick snack through to a fancy multi-course dinner. It’s the same with sex, which is why I use so many food analogies when I’m talking about sex.

I was doing this with a couple of clients recently. They’re a really fun-loving couple, upbeat and lively in most parts of life – but not the bedroom. Instead of the lightness that was in the rest of their connection, bedroom matters had become heavy and hard, and pretty non-existent. After several sessions of helping them identify and share their feelings and desires around sex, with loads of food analogies along the way, they came in to session with big smiles on their faces.

“We had sex three times!” the wife exclaimed. “We had roast dinner…” “And some cheese on toast…” added the husband, “And even an open sandwich!” finished the wife.

They’d really taken on board the food analogy concept and were using it not only to help with their sexual communication, but to make it fun as well. One evening she’d had a lovely time on her own relaxing and getting in the mood for some loving, then texted him to invite him... read more


#300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to ...

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 09, 2020

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#302: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It’s My Life’s Work!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 28, 2020



Take a group of couples who love each other, put them in a  beautiful  environment with no distractions, teach them to connect more  deeply,  inspire them to explore and play, and what do you get…?    


Well, as one man who attended one of my couples retreats put it:

  "I thought this retreat would expand our sex life,  but it didn’t so  much expand as turn our sex life upside down! I’m now  seeing the world  with a new, exciting, slightly bewildering light.”

It’s hard to explain that to someone before they’ve experienced it. “What do you do?” people ask me. My answer could indeed be: “I turn people’s sex lives upside down.”

You see, when you are able to be very present in your body you can connect more deeply with your partner, you can become more intuitive in your relating, and you open to subtlety of sensation and the calm, full, ecstatic feelings that engenders - and that means more connection, more feeling, and more fun!

In the retreats I teach centredness, presence and mindfulness as the basis, then from there we explore the concepts of connection, energy and sensation - and voila! The combination opens people up to experiences that are so much more than the... read more


#300: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 31, 2020



How do you describe the act of intercourse? Do you call it ‘penetrative sex’? If you do, which wouldn’t be surprising as it’s such a common term, have you ever thought about what the word actually means and symbolises?

Penetration means ‘breaking through resistance’. Which might have applied to sex in the bad old days when a wife was supposed to just submit to her husband whether she wanted to or not, so it may well have been an act of breaking through resistance. But now, in 2020, do we really want to think of sex as an aggressive act?

Worse still, the term ‘penetrative sex’ gives agency to the ‘penetrator’ - the man - who does it to a resistant, or at least passive, recipient – the woman.

Is this really the concept of intercourse we want to be perpetrating these days – that it’s something done to a woman by a man? Of course not, yet we still use the term.

Now you might say it’s just a word and it’s not meant in that way. But words have power. Think of the difference between ‘penetrative sex’ and ‘invitational sex’ or ‘envelopment sex’. Don’t the last two terms feel softer, welcoming,... read more


#295: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 05, 2020



If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill.

But no. Great sex does not come only from pills, props or positions.

Sure they can help. Lots of things can help, but pills, props and positions – the Three Ps - are only the icing on the cake.

You need to know how to make a great cake before you ice it.

You need to know about making the time and the place, about surrender and sensuality, about intimacy and eroticism. That’s the starting point of great sex.

Then if you want to add a few toys or try out some new positions (and possibly even try pills or sprays to aid erection – but only under medical advice), then go for it. But a dildo on its own won’t spice up... read more


#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 05, 2020

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#294: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 29, 2020

 From my column in Body+Soul

Question
: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?" 

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex... read more



#289: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 29, 2020

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#292: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 15, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

AnswerWe’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex! Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine,... read more



#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 15, 2020

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