It’s so easy to become complacent in relationships. Hey, we’re busy people, we’ve got a lot on, we’re tired, we don’t have the time or energy to invest in our relationship, there are other priorities…

 And so, without the nurturance, it withers and dies…

 Like everything in life, if you want something to be good, if you want it to be a part of life that supports and enhances you, you need to focus on it. If you want to be healthy you have to focus on your health, if you want to be wealthy you have to focus on your finances, and if you want to be loved-up you have to focus on your relationship.

 If you get complacent you stop being consciously engaged with your partner and even with yourself and revert to subconscious beliefs and patterns, such as poor parental role-modelling, limiting cultural beliefs around relationships, unhelpful myths about sexuality.

 When you pay attention though, you learn about yourself and your partner and through that you develop a better dynamic. With that awareness you make better choices. If there are tensions or blocks, you work on them. You admit where you lack knowledge or experience and get help and learn. Then you practice, together, and keep developing what you learn. You constantly, consciously cultivate a life-enhancing relationship.

 At first this might take a lot of effort, but over time, with positive feedback and results, being conscious becomes easier, more habitual. And because you are doing this together you have the added benefit of positive feedback and reinforcement between you.

So often people tell me that they don’t want to say their truth as they don’t want to upset their partner, but what they really mean is that they don’t want to feel bad about disappointing their partner. There’s a big difference between those two statements.

Of course, we don’t like our partners to be upset, but that doesn’t mean we should do anything we can to prevent them having a bad feeling. That is intensely co-dependant.

We are not responsible for our partner’s feelings. We are responsible for our own feelings. Now, let me clarify that a bit.

In a healthy relationship we are interdependent. That means we are both independent and relational. The relational part is that we are attentive and supportive of our partner. We are always responsible for being caring and polite and kind and respectful to our partner. Absolutely. The independent part of a good relationship is that we are also attentive and respectful to ourselves. That means we need to express our truth to our partner. The relational element of this is that we need to express that truth in a caring, polite, kind and respectful way.

Then the independent element on our partner’s part, is that they are responsible for managing their own response to your respectfully-presented truth. If that happens to be something that is disappointing to them, so be it, that’s ok! Feeling bad is ok. Life cannot be one long stream of happy emotions. Disappointment is a regular part of life.

The relational element of the partner managing their disappointment is that they are also polite and respectful to the one sharing their truth, who is then responsible for their response to the partner’s response, and on it goes. This is how you can discuss and resolve issues where you have differences, of which life is full. Including, and particularly, our sex life.

Trying to mind-read your partner, trying to make sure they’re happy even though you don’t want what they want inevitably goes bad. It’s confusing, it often seems manipulative, no-one gets what they want. You might think you’re aiming for win:win but at best it’s win:lose and more likely it’s lose:lose.

So, know your own truth, express your own truth cleanly and respectfully, receive your partner’s truth with an open heart. Discuss with curiosity and compassion, staying kind and polite, and you’ll be able to deal with any issue. The worse outcome is that one doesn’t get what they want, but at least they feel heard and understood; and at best you are able to co-create something that does work for both of you.

It's inevitable that you will have wobbly times in your relationship. You are different - always have been, always will be! Sometimes you’ll have different wants or opinions, sometimes you’ll have inadvertently annoyed the other, sometimes stresses will come in from outside the relationship, and sometimes there will be a misunderstanding.

Whatever is the cause of the wobble, you need to do things:
 1. Assume the best of your partner.
 2. Get curious.

You have to assume that your partner is not deliberately trying to hurt you or annoy you or piss you off in any way. You have to assume that your partner loves you and you’re on the same team. So if they are acting in a way that seems unloving or not on the same team, get curious as to why. Ask them open-ended questions to understand what is going on for them. “Babe, I’m curious what’s going on for you…” “Honey, can you tell me more about that…” “Sweetheart, I’m feeling a little confused, could you take me through that again more slowly…”

This might sound simple, but it’s not always so as we can easily trigger our nervous systems and become emotionally dysregulated, so it’s hard to stay calm enough to assume the best and get curious, rather than respond to threat and get defensive (either by going on the attack or by putting up your walls or by succumbing to the other to “keep the peace”).

When you get that familiar little internal jolt of annoyance or anxiety, take a breath to help keep your nervous system calm, remind yourself that this is your beloved not your enemy, you’re on the same side (you might need a few more breaths here!) and then reach out to them with calm, loving curiosity.

If you’re both doing this, then you’ll find it so much easier to prevent wobbles escalating into full-on earthquakes – and all the damage that ensues.

Now I do need to stress that this doesn’t apply to full on physically and emotionally abusive relationships. If you’re in one of those, you need to get out. Nevertheless, I’m often amazed at how really quite toxic relationships can turn around when both parties are committed to changing their ways, individually and as a couple. When a couple come to me and want to make it work, when they each can acknowledge that they are on the same team then there is hope that they can learn to relate better. If they can’t take that first step, if either is making the other wrong, or they are totally hating on each other, there’s no hope. But sometimes all we need is just a little crack for the light to start coming through…

My clients often wonder if they are really suited to each other. They thought they were at the start but over time the differences have become more apparent and they worry that they’re not compatible.

So how similar do we need to be to have a good relationship?


Well, it depends on what aspect of relating you are considering. In some cases yes, in others no.


In brief:


• You need to have common values.
• You need to have shared, but not the same, interests.
• You can have very different personalities.


It’s actually good to have different personalities, different ways of seeing the world, of being in the world. Different ways of thinking, different ways of feeling, different ways of expressing – these all broaden the ways you as a couple can live and experience life.


A big caveat here though is that you have to appreciate the differences, not make each other wrong for being different.


And you have to realise that the same qualities can have both good and bad aspects. Let’s take an example of a couple where one sees the other as “my rock”, solid, dependable, someone who makes them feel really safe and secure in the world. Yet, those same positive qualities also makes them a little dull, lacking in initiative, low in risk-taking and not very spontaneous… In contrast, the other partner sees the first as exciting and adventurous, bringing lots of energy and excitement into their life. Yet, those same qualities can also get overwhelming, confusing, exhausting and make them the ‘downer’ for always trying to slow their partner down….


When you can understand and appreciate your differences, it broadens possibilities. In our fictitious (but very real) couple described above, when they accept each other’s personalities, and work with the benefits, they can see the adventurous one as bringing energy and ideas into the relationship and the dependable one as bringing a sense of caution and pace to those ideas. They will welcome what each brings to the relationship. They will also reassure when needed – if the adventurous one is being too out-there and making the other feel insecure, or if the dependable one is being too cautious and causing the other to feel stifled or unexpressed.


So in terms of personality, yes you can be very different and have a very successful relationship. In terms of interests though, it helps to have an overlap. If you don’t have any interests in common, it will limit what you can do together and what you can talk about. It’s hard to feel there’s a strong ‘us’ if you have nothing in common (other than perhaps the kids and the mortgage…) It’s good to have a sport or activity that you do together – tennis, hiking, cooking, travelling, learning languages, restoring furniture, gardening, scuba diving, volunteering, dancing. Or topics of common interest, such as politics, social justice, current affairs, history, astronomy, financial investments, art, ecology – things you like to learn about, discuss and get involved in together.


On the other hand, it is also good to have different interests. If it’s an activity it gives you time apart, it gives you something that invigorates you, and you come back to your partner with fresh energy. You go and play golf for a few hours and come back with a big smile, or you go off to your yoga or French lesson and come back refreshed and ready to engage with your partner. And in these cases the other partner sees your interest and happiness and that makes them feel good, because we like to see our partner happy!


So, different personalities are good, overlapping interests are necessary. Then what about values? Well, they need to be very aligned or you are going to have problems. It’s very difficult for a very right-wing person to have a happy relationship with someone who is very left-wing. It’s possible, but not great. It’s difficult if one values health highly and the other smokes and drinks and doesn’t look after themselves. It’s possible, but not great. If one values city living and the other wants the isolation of the countryside, it’s not going to work. If one values family and children and the other doesn’t, nope, it’s not a good match. If one views ‘success’ as power, money and status, and the other sees ‘success’ as a life of creative expression, you’re going to have problems. If one has strong religious values and the other is a staunch atheist, well, that could be problematic over time. If one has a very laissez-faire approach to parenting and the other believes strict rules are good for children, that too is going to make your relationship difficult.

So, get in touch with your values early in a relationship so that you can be sure you’re aligned; focus on keeping interests in common; and appreciate and work with your personality differences.

Then, you will have a great life together!

What makes a great relationship is being experts on each other.

You are different, always were, always will be. So, what makes you great as a couple is the ability to know, accept, appreciate, and work with the differences.

The similarities, the good stuff, that’s easy. No-one ever comes to me seeking help on how good things are!

Now, you might think you know your partner, but do you really? More likely your concept of your partner is a mix of how they were when you met (a time when you probably did pay a lot of attention) and your interpretation of who they are based on who you are…

Never assume you know your partner. You don’t. Keep paying attention and being curious. Keep discovering each other. You are endlessly fascinating. The more you each understand yourself and the other, the better you will understand your dynamic and be able to continuously co-create a secure, engaged relationship (or jointly and amicably agree to end it if it’s done its time).

Don’t make the other wrong. They are just different. The way you are, the way you see the world is not ‘right’, it’s just familiar, so it feels ‘normal’. But there is no ‘normal, we’re all individuals with individual histories and life experiences which have created a unique individual in the present moment, and one that will continue to be created throughout your whole life. You can never know a person fully, you can never know your partner fully, hey, you can’t ever know yourself fully!

So, how do you know your partner, really? You need to pay attention, you need to be curious, you need to ask, you need to listen and you need to reflect back to show that you’re hearing and understanding.

This is actually very hard to do. It’s hard to understand another person’s reality, how they experience the world. That’s in part because it’s hard to express it. You need time to do this well. You need to sit down together, look at each other, and take it in turns to talk and listen and ask and inquire to gather more information and to help each other express yourselves. Stay curious and open-hearted. You love each other and want to know each other more.  

Then keep finessing that awareness, keeping on modifying and expanding your awareness of each other, keep co-creating a relationship that weathers the inevitable challenges of life and enables you to appreciate and enhance all the good stuff!

Download Audio: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other

Download Audio: A Lingering Sense of Each Other

Consider sex an energy rather than a behaviour. Just as we can sense love, and feel the energy of love with our hearts, the energy of sex is the same. With sex though, the energy comes from our pelvis, our sexual centre. 

But it’s not the ‘horny’ sense of sexual arousal, with an energy that wants to leave the body. That’s part of sex, sure. But the true sexual energy is a vital, life-giving force that rises upwards in the body, keeping us young and enlivened. When you let the sexual energy rise in this way, and combine it with your love energy, it becomes a beautiful potent energy that you can share with your partner all throughout your life. It connects you, nourishing your relationship and keeping an erotic flow going between you. This can be cultivated in myriad small ways of looks, smiles, acts of sweetness, through to longer friendly, intimate and sexual encounters. You feel it when you are together and also when you are apart.

After attending one of my couples retreats, one man described this as though their connection was “a frequency that had shifted from AM to FM”.

More recently, a male client described it as ”a lingering sense of each other”, which I think is a particularly beautiful and poetic way to describe this energtic connection.

It’s a sense of comfort, with a touch of yearning and vitality. With this “lingering sense of each other” the whole of your life together becomes sex. This gorgeous potent energy is always flowing between you. 

A ‘perfect’ relationship is not one that has no conflict. It’s not that you are so ‘perfectly aligned’ that you never differ. That’s actually a sign that you are either seriously emotionally avoidant and not sharing your true feelings, or that there is a major power differential in the relationship where one always defers to the other.

Of course there is going to be difference – you are different people with different feelings and ideas and wants and needs. You always have and you lways will. From the myriad of small things throughout the day – what you’re having for dinner, who’s picking up the kids from school, through to major life issues like parenting styles, where you live, how you deal with aging parents, and of course sexual issues– you will inevitably differ on many issues.

Does that mean you have to fight and have a fractious relationship? Not at all. But it does mean that you have to develop your relationship skills so that you handle difference well.

I describe this in three ways: how you prevent conflict, how you manage it when it occurs, and how you repair quickly if it goes bad.

Prevent Conflict

As I said, difference is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean it has to turn into conflict. A good couple will talk through issues without it escalating into all-out war. This means you are each clear about your own views so you can each express yourself well; that you both pay attention to what the other is saying so that you understand the other’s point of view; and that you can manage your own state to stay calm and assist your partner to stay calm so that the conversation stays clean and constructive.

Manage Conflict

That all sounds good! But the reality is that sometimes we don’t manage ourselves all that well or don’t listen to our partner well, and that can lead to arguments and fights. What is happening here is that our nervous systems are getting dysregulated so we’re in fight or flight mode and things are getting heated. We’re not in control of ourselves and we’re certainly not paying attention to our partner. They’ve become a threat and we’re protecting ourselves. The ‘us’ is gone.

To manage this situation, we need to learn to soothe our own nervous system, and simultaneously help to soothe our partner’s nervous system. Until your nervous systems are calm again, you’re not going to be able to resolve anything, the ‘rational’ parts of your brain are switched off and your whole body is prioritising resources to protect itself. So, focus on slow deep breathing, maintain a calm tone of voice, use words of affection, put on the kettle or go for a walk. Remember – calm first, and only then can you resolve. This is how you manage yourselves when it gets wobbly.

Repair conflict

And, yes, sometimes despite our best efforts things get so heated that we explode and/or storm off, nothing is resolved, and we’re each left feeling angry and hurt and confused and unloved. So, an important skill of good relating is to repair quickly when things go bad. Once your nervous system has regulated, move toward your partner gently, checking to see if they are ready for that (some nervous systems take longer to regulate) and reach out with love. Use ‘we’ language: “We didn’t handle that well”, and reassure that ‘we’ are still good: “I do love you and I’m sorry for my part in that going wobbly”. Then set a time to discuss the issue again, whether it’s there and then or at a more suitable time.

These three vital skills will help you manage the inevitable wobbly times in a healthy relationship: prevent, manage and repair.

Download Audio: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair