What level of desire do each of you have to: 

•  Cook
•  Visit the in-laws
•  Learn a foreign language for an overseas trip
•  Go running in the morning
•  Help the kids with their homework
•  Plant a vegetable garden
•  Renovate the bathroom
•  Have sex?

Were you equal on any of those? Probably not. Chances are there’s a higher and lower desire partner for each one; just as you’ve probably got different levels of desire for sex.
 
  There’s always a lower desire partner, and always a higher desire partner. Every couple has to come to terms with that basic difference and work with it. I’ve had three major relationships in my life (well, four actually, but the first was as a teenager so we never found out if there was a higher or lower desire partner - we just grabbed the chance whenever we could!).
 
  In the first I was the higher desire partner; in the second, we were pretty equal, with periods of variation, such as when our three children were babies where some modification and negotiation was required to see us through; and in my current relationship I am definitely the lower desire partner.
 
  I sometimes stamp my feet (light-heartedly) and declare: “I will not be the lower desire partner; I refuse to be the lower desire partner. I am a sexpert I can’t be the lower desire partner!” But, quite simply, I am.
 
  It’s fine to be the lower desire partner, and it’s fine to be the higher desire partner.
 
  Neither is right or wrong. Neither one is better or worse.
 
  “Mismatched libido” is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, frequently with one claiming the other has a problem. I’ve noticed that it’s the partner with the lower self-confidence who always has “the problem” - regardless of whether they’re the higher or the lower desire partner - and the partner with the higher self-confidence is the one declaring that the other has “the problem”.
 
  “He’s over-sexed!”; “She needs to understand sex isn’t that important,” declare the high self-confidence low-desire partners.
 
  “What’s wrong with him, it’s not natural for a man not to want sex”; “She needs fixing, she’s frigid,” declare the high self-confidence, high-desire partners.
 
  Actually, no one has a “problem”, the couple simply have a reality that they need to learn to work with. In doing so each individual might have some stuff they need to work on themselves: such as to ditch limiting beliefs, become more confident, become more tolerant, deal with past traumas, learn to prioritize or relax, craft a better life balance, and so forth. But overall, both partners need to assume responsibility, without blame, for their love life.
 
  The first step in moving beyond a stalemate over differing levels of desire is to understand that it is normal. Then start looking at what you can do as individuals and as a couple to identify what the lower desire partner needs and what you can do to facilitate more desire, or at least an openness to the possibility; and what the higher desire partner can do to sublimate their urge to some degree, which means channelling that interest and energy in sex into something else.
 
  This is an ongoing process for most couples. The more openly, honestly and constructively you can work together the easier it will be, till you barely realise there’s a difference. Even if you are fairly well matched, there will be times of stress or challenge in your time together where desire on one or both sides will dip or rise.
 
  As with anything, it’s all about flow, and learning to surf the waves of life and love. The better you get at the surfing, the happier you will be. 

I’m a working mother of three, so life gets busy! When you live a life like mine, you have to focus on balance. I'm constantly struggling with my mad innate urges to completely over-commit and take on too much (well, it is all so interesting and so necessary!). I, like many women out there, may be a super woman, but I am not Superwoman, and I have limits. There has to be a balance. And that balance must be crafted. 

We often say we need to 'find a balance'. But you can't find a balance, where do you suppose you'll find it, in the kitchen cupboard, back behind the Tupperware? No, you can't find balance, you have to craft it. You must constantly be aware of the ebb and flow of life, stay in tune with your energies, and consciously craft an on-going state of balance.
 
 It's hard in our society which itself is so out of balance. The yang outweighs the yin; the masculine outweighs the feminine; the head outweighs the heart; the fiscal outweighs the ethical; work outweighs pleasure. The imbalances are everywhere.
 
 So first we need to find the balance within, to become centred. This develops through presence, mindfulness, and correct breathing. Not to mention good posture, diet, sleep, and exercise. Then we need to harmonize with those close to us. This develops through open and honest communication, removing judgment, letting go of attachment and expectations, opening yourself to the energies of others and flowing with them.
 
 This is what I teach in my workshops and retreats. While some 'technical' knowledge is helpful, when it comes to sex, intimacy, and relationships, it's much more about 'how' you do things rather than 'what' you do.
 
 It's much more about the 'being' than about the 'doing'.
 
 I run Women’s Workshops throughout the year. The Workshops are all about embodying your sexuality, feeling positive and confident about yourself as a woman and expressing that from the inside out. This too is about balance, about being centred and calm and confident and being able to flow with what's in you and what's between you. Knowing your yin and yang elements and being able to work with them to craft an empowered sexuality, a liberated sex life and a fulfilled life as a whole.
 
 This approach manifests in my Couples Retreats too. Again, it's all about coming from a centred place as individuals and coming together as equals, flowing with the complementarity of your yang and yin, masculine and feminine, commanding and receptive energies.
 
 Examine your life. Find the imbalances and make new and better choices so that you can embrace a new equilibrium.
 
 When you can do that, life, and sex, become truly awesome.

I've just spent the most wonderful five days in far north Queensland with a group of young business leaders and their partners. It was the YPO regional conference and the theme was 'Symbiosis: The Art of Living Together’.

I was up there as guest speaker and workshop facilitator, along with a number of leading environmental speakers. They were learning about living together in harmony with the environment, and living together in harmony with each other (that was my bit).

It was so inspiring to be with such a group of positive, motivated, successful people who actually care about life balance and harmony! It gives me hope for the world if these people represent our business leaders.

I was even more impressed when I found out that a major banking sponsor had pulled out when it found out I was speaking. Apparently the bank’s risk management department thought it too risky to be associated with anything to do with sex (how they think new bank customers are created is beyond me…) To the organisers’ credit, rather than ditching me, they ditched the sponsor!

Good thing they did too, because they loved what I had to say. Regular readers will know I have a very positive approach to sex, love and intimacy, one that is life enhancing and aligned with personal and spiritual growth. As we all know, that can be very hard in our predominantly sex-negative society (a la the bank sponsor’s attitude).

So I told them all about the complementarity of the sexes, how to work with the differences between male and female sexuality (keep her ‘water’ energy simmering), how to keep the ‘mmm’ factor alive in their relationships and how to ‘sink in to sync in’ in their approach to love-making. They were beaming - and at least one of the wives came up to me to say they’d had their best sex ever, evening and morning! There were happy faces all around.

Then those who attended my workshops learned practical ways to deepen connection and intimacy. As with all my workshops, the general reaction was: ‘how wonderful to take time out to focus on us!’ and ‘how beautiful and rejuvenating to connect so deeply’.

When I'm part of an experience like that, when I’ve got businessmen responding so positively to what is essentially a spiritual, mindful, Tantric approach to sex and intimacy, combined with their interest and openness to the ecological messages conveyed by other speakers, then I know that there is a definite shift in the world, that we are coming into balance.

30 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold and counting.... Leaving commentators bemused: why so popular? It's obviously not high literature, but then again, it's not trying to be, it’s just a good romance.
 
 But 30 million copies…
 
 … there’s got to be something special…

Ignore the standard 'bodice ripper' elements - rich hero, innocent heroine, both stunningly beautiful main characters, exotic locales, etc - and you basically have a love story which has important elements that all couples can relate to.

I see three important, and appealing, themes:

1) Good Sex Requires Ongoing Negotiation

Couples need to negotiate their sexual relationship and be completely honest and open when pushing their boundaries. In the 50 Shades Trilogy, she's pushing her boundaries re BDSM and he's pushing his through allowing intimacy. It's scary for both, they have their freak-outs, but they keep working through with openness, honesty and respect.
 
 Apply this to real life couples and you get the same thing: you must keep talking about sex. Otherwise, you get stuck in a sexual rut, never game to try anything new, assuming (or hoping) that your partner is happy with the status quo.
 
 So whether it’s something as tame as trying sex with the lights on, or as ‘out there’ as considering setting up a dungeon in the spare room, it takes discussion and negotiation - then exploration, experimentation and more discussion and negotiation. 

2) Kinky sex is not 'bad' it's just one type of sexual relating.

Just as we all have different tastes in food, so we all have different tastes in sex. As long as it’s between consenting, adult, living humans, then it’s fine. Some people are very happy with a sweet and simple approach to sex and others like a more adventurous approach (and you can move up and down that spectrum throughout life). 

In the 50 Shades Trilogy, he starts out only having experienced sex as a pretty extreme form of kink, which freaks the bejesus out of her! Fair enough too, she doesn’t want an ‘arrangement’, she wants a relationship. Take away the concept of contracts and impersonal relating and she realises she actually quite likes the play. So, they tone it way back and start exploring…
 
 There's a whole range of kinkiness - from simple hair pulling in the throes of passion, through to setting up a dungeon in the basement. I’ve been talking a lot about kinky sex in the last few blogs, showing how kinky play can be positive and highly enjoyable.
 
 When done with genuine interest (if the thought leaves you cold, then don’t go there) along with mutual consent and respect, then kinky play can add interest and spice to anyone's sex life. 

3) A Strong, Sensual Man is a Sexually Desirable Man

Women respond to a sensual man who is focused on them and openly adores them. The seduction must never stop! 

The male protagonist in 50 Shades is constantly focused on his partner, never wavering in the face of her demands to lift his game and be all he can be. He takes it on board and proves himself worthy of her love - and in so doing she opens herself to him and comes to trust him enough to really explore her sexuality.
 
 Too many couples get complacent with each other and stop making an effort. Men, adore your woman; and women, allow the adoration! Be open to it and respond positively. He’s doing it because he genuinely loves and desires you. Your appreciation and acceptance make him feel so good. He’ll become more confident in his masculinity, allowing you to be more expressive in your femininity. 

Playing along the borders of pleasure and pain can add delectable spice to your love life - although the thought of it can be pretty confusing and scary.

So let me explain.
We all have pain thresholds, and the area around that threshold can be exquisitely delightful - if approached in a safe and relaxed manner.

Sportspeople do it all the time: the runner’s high, the endorphin rush of lifting heavy weights repetitively - it’s one of the reasons people love sport and physical activity. I used to train intensively in the marital arts and would take a beating several times a week and would dish it out just as strongly. It was great!

This is all considered ‘normal’ behaviour. In fact, when sportspeople push themselves, they are lauded and praised. Yet those who do it sexually are often considered deviant.

Pushing the boundaries of pleasure and pain in physical activity only works if it’s done carefully. You have to warm up, you have to know your limits, you have to develop at your own pace, and those you’re playing with have to know and respect your limits too, as well as their own.

As a high level black belt I would train with my black belt peers very differently than I would with new students. With the newbies, there was a lot of instruction on staying safe, and the instruction on safety would change as the skill level grew.

It’s the same with pain play. We all have different erotic interests and different limits. I know people who like to put hooks through their skin and swing from the ceiling. Yikes! That is most definitely not something I want to do! But good luck to them; from what I’ve observed, their level of care in preparation is akin to that of parachutists. I’ve also watched people create intricate designs in needles on other people’s chests. Again, yikes! No-one is putting needles in my skin (unless they’re an acupuncturist); but again, the people I’ve observed in needle play do have the same level of care and hygiene as any medical professional (in fact a lot of them are in the medical professions!)

I’ve deliberately used a couple of quite extreme examples there, there’s not a lot of hook or needle play going on in the bedrooms of Australia, nor need there be. However, it seems there’s not a lot of playing going on full stop, and this is one area where you can have some fun exploring. Such as:

• A gentle massage might put you to sleep, a firm massage, with a few slaps on the bum might arouse you.
• Making love in missionary position might be a bit ho-hum, pull your partner’s hair at the same time and an erotic edge is added.
• Squeezing your partner’s nipples with your finger tips or nails, slowly increasing the pressure, can be squirm-inducingly good on it’s own or when combined with genital pleasuring.
• Running your nails down the inside of your partner’s thighs, over the soles of their feet, around their neck, or any number of other delicious body areas, can create a similar effect.
• Biting the various body areas can also be delightful - start with a gentle bite and oh so gradually increase the pressure.

Once you've been practicing the basic exercises for a while, you should feel a change in your pelvis, feeling more present and connected to your genital region. This is a good thing. 

Give your pelvic floor a squeeze now, notice how it connects you to your pelvic area. Breath into your belly and do some more squeezes, nice and relaxed.
 
 Let’s look at some advanced pleasures. 

Connect with your Pelvis.The first advanced pleasure is simply that - to connect with your pelvis. So many people are disconnected from their pelvises. Increasing the connection will help men last longer and men and women to have better orgasms.
 
Recharge Yourself. You can also use your pelvic floor to draw energy up your body, to recharge yourself. Visualise an energy centre in your pelvis. It could be a flame, a cloud of electricity, a pulsing gem, whatever comes to mind. Then as you squeeze and relax, keeping your breath low and calm, imagine that with the squeezes you are drawing energy up your body, either up your spine or up your middle.
 
 Please note that if you’re doing a lot of energy raising in this way, it’s important that you also lower and centre the energy at the end of your practice. All you need to do is put your hands on your belly and visualise the energy you’ve raised sinking back down.
 
Extend Sexual Pleasure. Do this when you’re masturbating, drawing up the energy when you’re highly aroused but before you orgasm. Notice how that can heighten the pleasure and hold off the orgasm. Then do it after you’ve come, and notice how it can extend the yummy orgasmic feelings and allow them to flow through your whole body, not just your genitals.
 
Share Energy with your Partner. Do this with your partner. Sit cross-legged facing each other, gazing into each other’s eyes and draw the energy up. Do it holding hands, do it with your left hand on your own chest and your right hand covering your partners left hand over their chest. Notice any feelings and sensations that arise within you and between you.
 
Massage the Penis with your Vagina. Do it with your partner when the penis is in the vagina, no thrusting. Ladies, give your partner’s penis a good cuddle with your vagina, stroke it with your muscles, give it a massage. This is one of the more fun ways to strengthen your pelvic floor. As your muscles become more toned, he’ll be able to feel a lot more from the vagina stroking.
 
Last Longer
. Guys, to last longer when you’re inside your partner’s lovely vagina, you need to be very present in your penis, very connected to your penis and through it to her. Switch off your brain and feel with your penis. Use your pelvic floor muscles to keep your focus there. And as described above, draw the sexual energy away from the end of your penis back into your body when you feel the excitement build too high.
 
 It’s a powerful thing, the pelvic floor. When combined with belly breathing, it really does: 

• Centre you 
• Connect upper and lower body
• Allow for energy flow within the body (and prevents energy ‘leaks’)
• Provide more blood flow and oxygen to the pelvis
• Improve sexual pleasure and orgasm

And because of all that it keeps you youthful and vital.
 
 So, squeeze away! 

Can you use your pelvic floor to draw up energy and recharge yourself?
 Can you have sustained orgasms?
 Men, can you use your muscles to help you last longer?
 If not, can I suggest you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles?

What are The Pelvic Floor Muscles?
 
 The pelvic floor is a band of muscle that goes from the pubic bone at the front to the tailbone at the back and to the bones of the upper thighs on either side. It’s a girdle of muscle that holds all the pelvic organs in place, with just a few holes for the various tubes to come through.
 
Benefits of Toned Muscles 
 
 Like any muscle, if it’s toned it’s stronger and more effective than if it’s not toned.
 
 Since having toned pelvic floor muscles means: 

• Heightened awareness of and connection to your pelvic region and genitals
• Better sexual response in terms of awareness of sensations
• More pleasure for your partner (she can massage him; he can last longer)
• Better orgasms with greater sensation and longer length
• Continued good sex as you get older
• Her vagina won’t fall out when you’re old (yes, vaginal prolapse can happen!)

there’s a lot to be said for toning those muscles!
 
How to Tone the Muscles 
 
 Locate the muscles by squeezing as though you are trying to stop urine flowing. Aim to isolate just that muscle area, so that your abdomen and buttocks stay relaxed. Keep your breathing calm and flowing.
 
 1) Squeeze and Relax Rhythmically: in for half a second, relax for half a second. Do this for as long as you can, at least half a minute, but you can do it for ever if you like!
 
 2) Squeeze, Hold and Relax: Squeeze the muscles, then hold them for as long as you can. A few seconds initially, then increasing up to 20 seconds or more. Make sure your abdomen and buttock muscles are relaxed as you do this. Keep breathing evenly.
 
 3) Squeeze in Stages: Squeeze your muscles, then squeeze a little tighter, then a little more, and a little more…then just touch a more…And release!
 
 It’s important that you don’t only focus on the squeezing in. You also need to relax out. So, finish with some gentle squeezes in and pushes out, just like a wave lapping on the shore, do about 20 or so.
 
 So practice those exercises every day whenever you think of it. Then when you’ve got the hang of it, read my next article for more advanced training and the awesome things you can do when you’ve got those muscles good and toned! 

I've been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm asked whether it's good for people's sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that or not…” in which case it could be worth exploring, if you’re brave enough!

3. Spice Up Your Sexual Play

Reading erotica aloud to each other is very sexy and can be part of your beforeplay - or turn it into a game where you try to distract the reader, as part of your foreplay…

More importantly, reading erotica alone or together will give you insights into what you and your partner like. Then you can experiment with adding elements to your own sex play. The stories might be more extreme than you necessarily would be comfortable with, so ask yourself how you could add milder elements to your own life. If, for example, you liked the voyeuristic elements of a story about a couple being watched while they have sex, perhaps you could have sex by an open window or on a balcony. If a story about bondage turns you on, you can always play with stockings and scarves from your own cupboard for a less scary experience, or purchase feathered handcuffs or silken rope for a sensual bondage experience. 

You could explore this further by writing some erotica together: you write a paragraph, then your partner writes the next, then you the next, and so on… See what interesting places that takes you to!

There’s plenty of very good erotica around these days. Good book stores have an erotica section. Some adult shops sell erotica - Max Black has a particularly fine range. 

Just on the topic of erotica, I pen a pretty good story myself, and am putting the finishing touches to my next book on Sex Goddesses for the modern woman. It contains about 30 erotic vignettes to illustrate the concepts, and will be the world’s first book in the brand new genre of Educational Erotica. I’m very excited about this!

That’ll be a fourth reason to read erotica!

I love Tantra and I love elements of kink. The two combined are what I call Sensual Kink, and I don't think it gets much better than that. So, with the current interest in kink that's been generated by the overwhelming popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, I thought I might share my thoughts.
 
 To me, Tantra and Kink are at one end of a spectrum; and the alcohol-fuelled model of sex, along with porn and raunch culture, are at the other. The former are about depth and connection, resulting in ecstatic and altered states of consciousness; and the latter is about superficiality and a performance-style sexuality that has little if any positive outcome from what I can see.

I know my kinky side has been there since I was a five-year old getting turned on by a cartoon of Donald Duck pegging his nephews by their tails to a rotating clothesline and spanking their bottoms as it turned. I didn’t even know what that feeling was, but it’s etched into my memory. You could also claim that my years of martial arts training, spending hour upon hour being belted into the floor and feeling elated from it, was a form of sadomasochism. But I didn’t truly discover my kinky side until I first explored Tantra.
 
 Many people would assume that Tantra is all about goodness and light and spirituality, and Kink is dark and evil, so the two would be opposites. That’s not my experience. Through Tantra I discovered the ability to go places sexually, without even genital touch, just with sexual energy, in the presence of a highly-energetically developed person and open myself up to extraordinary experiences. It was great.
 
 Then I heard that people had similar experiences in Kink - that they could be tied up, for instance, and go into orgasm or blissful states without genital touch. That caught my fancy, so I started to investigate. Well! What I discovered was that the energetic presence between two people engaged in many Kink activities is the same energy as that between Tantric practitioners - and you get to dress up in outrageous clothes as you do it!
 
So I said to the universe: “Queen of Tantra would like to meet King of Kink, to explore the realm where Tantra and Kink meet.” Now, when you’re clear about what you want, the universe delivers. And it did. I had an amazing next twelve months, where I took my explorations into the outer reaches of human sexual potential even further.
 
 I’m sure I could have got lost in those wonderful places, but my calling is here on earth, helping others move closer to their own sexual potential. So that relationship ended and since then I’ve been with my current wonderful partner who shares my own love of Tantra and Kink and mutually exploring all the exquisite possibilities of sexuality and sensuality.
 
 The work I do with people applies to any form of sexuality - as long as it’s real and connected. I am simply not interested in the superficial approach to sexuality that abounds in this society. In fact, I spend a lot of my time helping people get over the negative impacts of that approach.
 
 Fortunately, there are enough of you out there realising that there’s more to life than being either a would-be porn star or a prude (I say you, because you wouldn’t be reading my work if you didn’t feel at least an inkling of this). To you I say: develop your ability to connect; heighten your sensuality; follow your instinct; and explore wherever your sexuality leads you.
 
Kinky, spiritual, lustful, intense or subtle - it’s all good - as long as it’s real.

A graduate of one of my Luscious Woman Workshops wrote to me and said that intellectually she understood the concept of self-validation, but wasn’t able to make it real until she attended my workshop.

She wrote:

“For me, self-validation has required putting into practice things you advocated in Luscious Woman:

• Getting out of my head and into my body - exercise, massage, masturbation and other self-pleasuring – because feeling loved helps in believing you are worthy of (your own and others’) love;
  
  
• Meditation and other contemplative/spiritual practices that are about being gentle, kind and non-judgmental;
  
  
• Using those kind, gentle non-judgmental techniques to re-train my inner harsh critic. This harsh critic is my well-meaning but badly trained best friend. She thinks she tells me what I need to know to protect myself, so if she says the worst things to me, before anyone else does, that somehow or another I'll have steeled myself for the worst from other people. Greeting that inner critic as a loved friend, not the enemy, thanking her for the fierceness and strength of her concern, has gone a long way for me in quieting her down.
  
  
• The other technique has been to acknowledge and allow the fear to pass through me rather than to block it and then bury it as part of my inner walls. So I still get a horrible sinking sensation or clutch at my heart sometimes if I catch a glimpse of myself (and my saggy stretch marked tummy) naked. Acknowledging that: "I am feeling fear that someone might find this tummy ugly and reject me - and that fear tells me I've still got work to do on loving and accepting myself - if I loved this tummy how would I treat it?" gives me a way past the horrible feeling and moves me towards the better place. (And that occurs less frequently too).”