Download Audio: #325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curiousread more
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
So many of my clients don’t kiss. They might give each other pecks, but nothing more intimate or sensual than that.
Yet kissing is one of the best ways to become aroused!
Well, that’s part of the problem. So many people stay away from kissing for fear that it will inevitably have to lead to sex. But without the kissing you won’t feel like sex…
It comes back to the problem of taking a linear view of sex – step one must lead to step two which must lead to step three which must lead to step four, etc. So, if I’m not feeling like the later steps (ie getting genital) then I won’t go anywhere near those earlier steps.
The problem isn’t the kissing, the problem is the steps, or at least, thinking there are steps, and thinking that one must lead to the next. So, ditch the linear thinking, come back to the moment, and enjoy it for what it is.
A kiss, whether engaged in for a moment or for minutes, is connecting. Without the kissing you won’t get to sex (or at least, not enjoyable sex), and with the kissing there's no obligation to go to sex - it's just a kiss.
Use... read more
I’m not talking here about persistent unwanted advances at a party or bar, in those cases you may well need to be less than polite. I’m talking about how you say no to your partner’s sexual invitation.
With so many couples I work with, often one has been the ‘initiator’ and they can find it hard when they get rejected a lot. Often to the point of giving up initiating altogether. It can feel really rejecting when your partner says no a lot.
Now I want to stress that of course you have the right to say ‘no’. No-one should ever do anything sexually that they don’t want to do. What I’m focussing on here is how you say ‘no’.
For a start, think of the offer as a positive thing. Your partner finds you desirable and wants to share a pleasurable connecting experience with you. This is a good thing (just ask all the people who I work with whose partners don’t find them desirable, that’s really horrible).
So just as if your partner was offering you a slice of cake, or suggesting a date at the movies, take it as a positive offer. And just as if you didn’t feel like a slice of cake or going to the... read more
What makes a great relationship is being experts on each other.
You are different, always were, always will be. So, what makes you great as a couple is the ability to know, accept, appreciate, and work with the differences.
The similarities, the good stuff, that’s easy. No-one ever comes to me seeking help on how good things are!
Now, you might think you know your partner, but do you really? More likely your concept of your partner is a mix of how they were when you met (a time when you probably did pay a lot of attention) and your interpretation of who they are based on who you are…
Never assume you know your partner. You don’t. Keep paying attention and being curious. Keep discovering each other. You are endlessly fascinating. The more you each understand yourself and the other, the better you will understand your dynamic and be able to continuously co-create a secure, engaged relationship (or jointly and amicably agree to end it if it’s done its time).
Don’t make the other wrong. They are just different. The way you are, the way you see the world is not ‘right’, it’s just familiar, so it feels ‘normal’. But there is no ‘normal, we’re all individuals with individual histories and life experiences which... read more
The Netflix series Bridgerton has been hugely popular. This Regency-era romance series has had audiences rivetted by both the slow burn courting as well as the quality sex scenes.
I was more than happy to do the interviews, because even though I found the storyline itself pretty light and trite (spoiler alert – she gets her man!), there are some good takeaways from the show.
Firstly, and traditionally, there is great inspiration in the way the couples court. It is slow and subtle, yet builds up an incredible erotic charge. As I’m quoted saying in the first article:
"Even if it's just a nice kiss on the cheek – you can still do that in an erotic way. I think Bridgerton showed us just how erotic the bare minimum can be, especially when these days people think they have to be naked and doing all sorts of crazy things on the first date. Energetic frisson is incredibly powerful and something we’ve really lost lately. It's the building of anticipation and sexual chemistry without doing anything overt."
Secondly, and more... read more
I see a lot of couples who get on well, are very affectionate, are kind and polite with each other, yet find it hard to get to sex. They might be holding hands and sharing little kisses throughout the day, working well as a team to get stuff done around the house, manage the kids, etc, but then…the reality of getting naked in bed together…? Well, sometimes that feels like too much of a stretch.
To these couples I say – focus on the cuddle-plus!
You see, they’re missing the phase between affection and sex. Just because you’re getting on well and are affectionate, are cuddling on the couch, it doesn’t mean you can go straight from that to full-on passionate, genital engagement.
The cuddle+ phase is where you go beyond simply the “oh I like you” to “mmm, I like you!” This is where you connect with your eyes, where your kisses linger longer than a peck, your conversation doesn’t go beyond what is happening between you and me right here right now, where touch moves from comforting to arousing, where you are sinking in and syncing together.
As I’ve stressed so often, in a long-term relationship this is probably not going to be intensely passionate, it may well be more... read more
Communication is so fundamental to co-creating a great life together. Whether it’s as simple as agreeing on what you’re going to have for dinner, through to big topics like how you manage your finances, every aspect of relating needs good communication. This is never more important than when it comes to sex, but…talking about sex is one of the hardest things for a couple to do.
Why is this? Well, some people think you shouldn’t have to talk about sex, it “should just come naturally”; some people only talk about sex when there’s a problem so when they do it’s heavy and negative; and a lot of people are simply too shy. Yet without talking about it, it’s not going to be good. Imagine if you didn’t talk about what you wanted to eat, or where you wanted to go on holidays, how you raise the kids – how good, or more likely bad, would your life together be?
So, let’s take a look at the three types of sexual communication you need to have a great love life.
Chit-chat is talking about sex in general. As I described in another blog article, you need to treat your love life like a mutual hobby – something you do for pleasure in... read more
To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.
One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting in to sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people are in need of. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.
So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex.
It’s that ability to ‘sink in’ to yourself, that deep, calm feeling that’s so good for sex. This is especially so for long-term partners, where the 'va-va-voom let’s-go-for-it-baby' approach, that you might have had in the early days, has waned. Well, let’s face it, when you’ve been... read more
- #327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
- #326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
- #325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curious
- #324: How Alike do You Need to be to Have a Good Relationship
- #323: Be "At Home" in Your Body
- #322: Don't Ever Stop Kissing
- #321: Consent From the Inside
- #320: How to Say No Without It Feeling Like Rejection
- #319: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 3: Sexual Transformation
- #318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
- #317: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 1: Personal Transformation
- #316: Take Your Partner Off A Sexual Pedestal
- #315: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other
- #314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
- #313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
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