I was giving a talk to a large group of women at a Melbourne Cup lunch this week (wearing a fabulous hat of course). Since they were pretty much all married with kids, the discussion was primarily around how to keep up a good sex life in a long-term relationship, particularly when you’ve got babies and children. 

Next week I’m giving a similar talk in Newcastle on how to have a good sex life once kids come along.

One of the key messages is that you need to prioritize sex. You need to accept it as an important part of your relationship and then work on it. It’s like anything in life: it doesn’t just happen.

If you want to be healthy you have to focus on your health and work on it.

If you want to be wealthy you have to focus on wealth and work on it.

And if you want a good loving, healthy and rewarding sexual relationship you have to focus on it and work on it too.

Too often couples come to see me too late. “If only we’d come to see you a year ago!” they bemoan. An all-too-common question is: “Can you revive a flagging sex life?” Well, if there was once the flame of passion and the embers are still burning, however faintly, then yes, it’s possible.

So how do you fan the embers so that they burst into flame again? Private sessions with a good sex therapist can help. Workshops – the right workshops - can help too.

But an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cures, as they say, so it’s better to keep fanning the fire before it burns so low that it’s almost out.

Just like a great building can be made of countless tiny, small bricks, a great sex life is made up of countless tiny, small moments – things that you might not even think of as being sexual. A small touch, a smile, a tender gaze, a small service, a small gift a tiny word of kindness …

The list goes on and on …

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!

I am bravely, perhaps fool-hardedly, but definitely doggedly running a Black Belt in the Bedroom seminar on Monday evening.

Why do I say doggedly? Because men are so bloody hard to get to a workshop on sex!

I just got an email from a participant (who’s coming back for the second time) about trying to persuade his mates to attend. He started it by saying: “So Jacqueline, I now have a new-found respect for what it is you do,” because they all said to him: “I’m already a black belt in the bedroom” (although he has persuaded four of them to come along).

The fact is guys, you’re not black belts in the bedroom. Even if you are pretty amazing in the sack, there’s always more to learn. I’ve taught Tantric masters stuff they didn’t know, so believe me, there’s always more.

It is a bit of a male thing not to ask for help (or directions!), but if it’s important enough to you, you will. It’s actually a sign of a master of any skill or sport or art: they keep learning, practicing, experimenting, researching. It’s the same with sex.

In case you need more convincing, I’ve devised this little quiz for you. If you can answer ‘yes’ to every single questions, then you’re a black belt. If not, come along on Monday…

1. Can you make love to the same woman a thousand times and find it ever more wonderful?
2. Can you ejaculate when you choose to?
3. Can you come too soon and not be fazed about it?
4. Can you have awesome sex without orgasm?
5. Can you absorb the energy from a beautiful woman without feeling you want to have sex with her?
6. Can you feel the sexual power of all women?
7. Do you know that sex is about pleasure not orgasm?
8. Do you realise that porn is what looks good not what feels good?
9. Can you luxuriate in the valleys of sex as well as revel in the peaks?
10. Can you be so present with your partner that you can bring her to a state of orgasm? Can you do this without genital stimulation? Can you do this without touching her?
11. Do you know that foreplay never ends?
12. Do you know that the true master of sex never stops learning?

So how did you go? Will I see you on Monday…?


You can also do my online course for men:

I was reading the paper this morning and there was a multi-page feature on the Sydney Food Festival that’s coming up. All over the city there will be parties and workshops and markets and you name it, celebrating our love of food and the diversity of food. It’s a true gourmet’s feast, nothing gluttonous about the festival organiser’s approach, it’s about the joy and fun and the pleasure of food.
 
  It got me thinking about how wonderful it would be if we could celebrate sexuality in the same way, really celebrate the diversity and depth and wonder of sex. 

There are some celebrations of sexuality, one is the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, which is wonderful, but obviously focused on queer sexuality, and because of that it does have a certain edginess to the celebrations – all fabulous, but doesn’t cover the full spread of sexuality.
 
  This coming weekend there’s the first ever fetish conference, The Gathering, with workshops and parties. Great stuff, but again, limited to those interested in the fetish scene.
 
  The Tantric side of sex doesn’t have a festival as such, but there are plenty of workshops around (including my own, hint, hint).
 
  Then there’s Sexpo, which is great, but tends to celebrate the raunchier, dare I say, sleazier side of sex. Oddly enough I just had the Sexpo PR person ring me up to ask if I wanted to be involved, so we just had a great chat about how wonderful it would be Sexpo celebrated a broader approach to sexuality. Well, if I’m involved, maybe it will…
 
  I mean wouldn’t it be great if there were workshops and parades in a broad range celebration of sex, so in addition to the Gay & Lesbian, Fetish, Tantric and Raunch (a la Sexpo) stuff already out there, there was in addition, for example: “Monogamous and Loving It” “Yummy Mummies Having Yummy Sex” “Getting Older Getting Lustier” “Different Types of Orgasms and How to Have Them” “Expanding Your Sexual Play for Committed Couples” “Incorporating Food into Sexual Play” “Heightening Sensual Pleasures” “Differently Abled People Having Differently Pleasured Sex” “Lusciousness for All”.
 
  Wouldn’t it be great it everyone could celebrate their sexuality, no matter what it was.
 
  Yes, I have a dream…
 
  Maybe we are getting there, the fact that there is a growing range of sexual celebrations, and some of them are coinciding at a similar time, Spring, means that society is opening up. There’s hope for us yet.

Three things a (hetero) man needs to come into a positive, balanced masculinity:

1) Self-worth Through Purpose 
 
 It’s critical for a man to have a clear sense of purpose in his life. I so often see men having relationship and sexual problems because in part because they don’t have a strong sense of purpose. This leads to a dependence on being satisfied from his partner, manifesting as an unattractive neediness (a self-aware woman will not find neediness appealing). Or it will lower his sense of self-worth, creating a wimpish energy causing his partner to be too strong and controlling, just to survive. Other men do the opposite, feeling a lack of purpose and therefore a lack of self-worth in themselves, they make up for it by becoming dominant and aggressive.
 
 A man who is centered and in purpose will move purposefully through life, not needy of validation by others, less blown around by the whims of others, less given to maudlin self-doubt, and less prone to denial covered by aggression.
 
 2) Communion with Other Men 
 
 Men need other men. Not necessarily in the sitting around drinking cups of tea and chatting way that women tend to do - although they can. Generally, men will more “do” things together; tinker in the shed, throw a ball around, go sailing, fishing, motorbike riding, play war games. It may or may not involve much talking, that doesn’t matter. It’s being with other men, what I call “communing” with other men that matters.
 
 3) Union with his Beloved 
 
After talking so intimately with so many men, I believe that men are actually more emotional about sex than women are. Sex is so much more than just a 'release', which can be dealt with through masturbation, Men need sex with their beloved to connect with her, to feel her, to know the deepest, most real side of her. They crave union with her. A man who has this connection will feel so much more satisfied with himself and his life.
 
 But to achieve this is not easy. Too many men go straight to looking to sex to give them fulfillment, without working on self-worth through purpose, or male communion. But without these first two ways of fulfilling himself he won’t be the type of man that allows for true union and therefore allow for more powerfully satisfying sex. The more purposeful in himself and the more in communion with other men that a man is, the better able he will be to be the centered, open man required to enable his partner to be open and centered, and through that have powerfully connected and erotic sex.
 

We undervalue the feminine principle in our society, and I believe we get the masculine principle just as wrong.
 
 Since we’ve had a few thousand years of not valuing the feminine, in place we’ve had an unnatural, overly arrogant masculine - a masculine principle that is more defined by the ability to dominate and control than one that is defined by true strength and openness.

So there has been a complete imbalance in society with a weak feminine principle and dominant masculine one. With the social changes that our society has undergone over the past few decades, many people are changing their attitudes and approaches to living. Nowadays many women have rejected the weak feminine and have instead adopted masculine traits without honouring and expressing their innate feminine power. And many men these days have also rejected the dominant and negative masculine but are unfortunately instead embracing an overly soft and, let’s face it, fairly insipid, Sensitive New Age Wimp energy. 

So many people are confused by how they “should” be, and I believe this is because we have polarised the masculine and feminine so strongly. No woman wants to be a pathetic doormat, but is the only alternative to be an arrogant domineering male clone? No self-aware man wants to be a macho shit, but is the only alternative to be Sensitive New Age Wimp? 

Not at all. 

But it is only when we understand the masculine and feminine energies as equal complements, Yin and Yang, that we can embrace both of them within ourselves, and through that personal expression go on to actualize more balanced energies in our society.  Both the “feminine” Yin and the “masculine” Yang are strong, both are soft, both protect, both nurture. But the essence of each is different. That is what every man and every woman has to find within himself or herself to become whole. 

So many of my female clients complain that their man is not a man, and so many of my male clients confess that they don’t really know what it is to be a man. Well, whatever our gender, we need to have a balance of the yin and the yang, the masculine and the feminine. So for a man, yes, he can go off and fight dragons and save damsels in distress, but equally he will come home and honour his woman, write her poetry, bring her gifts and love and adore her. In this way she knows she can depend on him, yet he also opens himself to her, lets her inside. In doing this, he allows her to let go and show her real self too. 

If he is too much the wimp, she’ll have to do the holding herself, and won’t be able to let go. If he’s too much the macho shit, she won’t be able to get inside him and they’ll stay disconnected. 

There are variations of dynamics I see between men and women all the time. But once the man gets it, and the woman gets it, then magic starts happening. 

Particularly sexually.

Everyone has masculine and feminine in them. I prefer to use the terms Yin and Yang, as we have so much unhelpful meaning attached to the terms masculine and feminine. Well-developed people have a pretty good balance of both within themselves, they have both strength and softness, can protect and nurture. If we reject one, thinking the other is somehow better, we reject a major aspect of ourselves. When we reject our feminine side we become dominant and controlling, and when we reject our masculine side we become weak and dependent.

How can women embody this balance? How can we be empowered women, embracing our yin and our yang, our masculine and our feminine?  A concept I share, which a lot of women have said has been very helpful to them, is to think of  having our yin softness on the outside and yang strength on the inside. So you can trust your inner strength to allow the outer softness, your strength emanates out through softness. This is is so different to the way women had to be under the patriarchal systems that ruled for millenia, where women couldn't show their strength, and it's also different from what a lot of modern women do, where they create a false strength, a false yang,y on the outside, which is tiring to sustain, is brittle, and prevents their true power from being expressed.

So much of my work with women is essentially around this. It sounds esoteric, but once you get it, it makes such a difference at so many levels.

I want to stress that I am NOT talking about women being soft and weak and pathetic. That some people might think that’s what I’m talking about is just proof that our society devalues the feminine. It is strong to be soft. We need more of the feminine in this society. I cannot stress enough that both men and women need to embrace their feminine essence.

Then, with this internal balance, fully empowered, there is no limitation in how you express yourself as an indivdidual woman.

Do my online course for women to become a whole, empowered woman:

To find the light you have to face the darkness. There is no light without darkness. The darkness is at the base, and our sexuality stems from the base.

So we have to face our sexuality and the darkness there. 

Otherwise we live in fear and the fear holds us in, keeps us small, keeps us tight. It prevents us from sharing our energy with others, with the world, with ourselves. 

That energy is a positive thing. That energy is our power, it’s our magnificence, it’s our light. We need to free it and let it flow. 

Then our light will shine and we will find the light, we will be the light.

I opened up the morning’s paper to see yet another political ‘scandal’. In this case the parliamentary Minister was caught going to a gay sex club. In disgrace the Minister steps down, his professional and private life in ruins as his despicable behaviour is plastered across the front pages of the country’s newspapers.
 
  His heinous sin? Liking to watch men have sex. Possibly even liking to have sex with men.
 
 Gosh, he couldn’t possibly function in his role as a politician with this dreadful tendency...
 
  Now, I might be a little biased here, because my life is devoted to helping people have a happy and fulfilling sex life. I’ve spent thousands of hours talking to people about their sex lives, so I am well aware of people’s broad range of tastes and interests. Just like food really. Some like simple food, others are gourmets, some like to try new and exotic foods and some prefer good old fashioned meat and three vegetables.
 
 In working with people, one of the main issues is helping people know and understand their interests, and helping couples reconcile differing levels and types of interests. 

Given that our society is still so pre-pubescent in it’s attitude to sex, all titter and giggle, most people are extremely confused about what’s normal, acceptable, moral, etc. “Am I normal?” is the repeated question. “Yes!” I almost inevitably reply. “I like girls, am I normal?” “I like boys, am I normal?” “I like boys and girls. Am I normal?” “Yes, yes yes!” As long as it’s between consenting adult living humans it’s ok! (There can be problematic issues around obsessiveness and compulsion, which is a different issue, although this is often exacerbated by repression stemming from our limited prurient social attitudes.)
 
 One thing that we all have in common, and which is not accepted socially, is that we are on a continuum of bisexuality. Some of us are completely heterosexual and some completely homosexual with the vast majority somewhere in-between, from mild curiosity to a desire for active engagement with both sexes. There is little space in our society for people who like it both ways. Even the gay community is wary of bisexuals and they often choose to pretend they are completely gay for better acceptance.
 
 Yet there are plenty of married men having sex with men, and many more who struggle with the desire. If you’ve ever read the heart-rending stories of men who’ve tried to suppress their desires for other men, you’ll know how deep and challenging this goes.
 
 So in a society where monogamy rules, if you have bisexual tendencies (or any sexual interests that don’t match your partners), then what do you do? Suppress those desires? That never solved anything. Open up to your partner and hope that he or she allows you to explore? Possible, and does happen, but is too threatening for most people. Or do it anyway and hope you don’t get caught? For many people, this is the only option, with devastating consequences when they are caught. Then it becomes an issues of breach of trust and all the associated relationship impacts. I’ve certainly spent many many hours working with couples around issues of infidelity and broken trust and it’s not easy.
 
 So it’s a tough one! The food analogy breaks down here. For while a vegetarian and a meat-eater can live and eat happily side by side without one needing to force the other to eat their way, sex generally requires someone else involved.
 
 Which is possibly why the internet has become so popular, because there you can engage in your sexual interests on your own. It’s interesting to speculate as to whether there would have been such a scandal if the Minister in question had been caught watching gay porn?
 
 But if real life gay sex, or gay sex watching by a married Minster is such a crime, then surely watching gay porn by a married Minister should be an equal crime? So should we therefore tap parliamentary Ministers’ computers to check on their sexual proclivities and make sure they are only engaging in ‘acceptable’ sexual activities?
 
 But who would decide on those acceptable activities? A parliamentary standing committee perhaps, and new Ministers would have to agree to abide by those sexual standards. How would we monitor their compliance? Closed circuit TV to their bedrooms? Perhaps their bodyguards could double as chaperones and report on any questionable behaviour?
 
 Or perhaps that’s all too hard and we should simply request that parliamentary members cease sexual activity all together while they are in office so that they put their focus completely on their public duties. After all, it worked for the Catholic Church…not.

A male client sent me a lovely email thanking me for teaching him a specific energy circulating technique. This is what he wrote:

Dear Jacqueline,
 
 Just want to really thank you again for the techniques you taught me… I've also been working on that circular technique you discussed with me and had my first real full success with it the other evening. I could actually feel the sensation go from the base of the penis, through the perineum, right up my back and into my head where I let it float around for a while and then down over my face (a sensation almost like fingertips gently touching my face) and then (when I decided) feeling it float down over my chest, through my belly and then ultimately back into my groin and penis. I managed to get that circular motion to repeat a few times and ultimately the resulting orgasm was absolutely sensational and left me with such a sense of whole body well-being, it was just magic. I enjoyed it so much I can't wait for my next chance :)

The exercise he’s talking about is called the Microcosmic Circuit and comes from the Taoist Sexual practices. This is a very simple description on how to do it: 

1. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles three times and imagine energy building up in your pelvic region.
2. Breathe in and imagine the energy moving from your genitals, up your coccyx, up your spine, to the top of your head.
3. Breathe out and image the energy moving down the center of your face, through your tongue, down your neck, chest and abdomen, to rest in your center (just below your belly button).

Notes:

•  Keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth. 
•  Do nine sequences. 
•  If you feel light-headed breathe normally a couple of times between sequences. 
•  If you find it difficult to visualize the energy going all the way to the crown of your head, do it in stages: up to lower back and down, then to upper back and down, then to neck and down, then all the way to the top and down the front. 

The purpose of this exercise is to learn to move the sexual energy away from the genitals and into the whole body. Ultimately you can learn to have whole body orgasms rather than just genital orgasms. This is fantastic for men and for women. For men it has the added advantage of helping them to last longer and avoid premature ejaculation. Men can even learn to orgasm without ejaculation with this technique. It’s also very helpful in allowing better connection and intimacy with your partner. All in all, it’s a good technique to familiarize yourself with.