There's so much pressure on penises! They're supposed to rise on command, stay hard for ages, ejaculate at just the right moment... No wonder so many of them have 'performance issues'. I'm so glad I don't have one - well, I do, but it belongs to my partner - but if I had one myself, I'm sure mine would collapse under the pressure too.

So, for a start, I want to stress that it’s totally fine for a penis to have a rest during proceedings. Everything does not have to come to a grinding halt just because the penis isn’t hard. There are plenty of other things you can do: use other parts of the body, focus on other parts of the body, gaze into each other’s eyes while gently running fingers along your beloved’s skin,  have a chat…

Remember, when you move away from the linear model of sex with all its quantitative KPIs and pressure to perform to a non-linear model where the only KPIs are pleasure and connection, then all that matters is what’s happening in this moment and what you are co-creating in this moment. It is seriously so much less pressure. And with that less pressure, paradoxically, the penis is less likely to have a rest, or will rise again if it does.

So take the pressure off!  Make sure you’re in a relaxed environment, you’re taking plenty of time to simply enjoy each other’s company, sinking into yourself to sync in together, breathing slowly and deeply, really paying attention to the connection between you. Allow the arousal to build, no rush, no pressure. Breathe the arousal all through your body. Really feel with your penis when it’s inside your beloved. Feel her holding you warm and snug. Let your love flow through your penis to her and draw the deliciousness of your connection back through it into your own body. 

Not only will this approach mean your penis is more likely to stay hard longer, you are more likely to be able to choose if and when you ejaculate, and you’ll feel so much more pleasure during the proceedings that you really will feel that as pleasurable as an ejaculation is, it is just one delightful part of the extended pleasure of the entirety of lovemaking….

Seriously. Yes, you read that correctly: guys, take your penis for a walk. No not on a leash (unless you’re a bit kinky!)

What do I mean by that rather absurd suggestion? I mean, get connected with your penis.

As you go out and about, be aware of your penis. As you feel the warmth of the sun, notice your penis feeling it too. When you savour your coffee, notice your penis savouring it too. When you observe the women around you and feel their feminine energy, have your penis feel it too. When you feel the power of swimming laps or going for a run or pumping weights, have your penis feel the power too. When you’re cheering your team on and getting excited at a goal, feel your penis cheering along. When you’re sharing a laugh with mates or at the movies, your penis laughs along with you. When you’re feeling thoughtful and reflective, your penis is meditative too.

It sounds strange, but the more you do this, the more connected you will become with your penis. Rather than it being an out-of-control creature with a mind of its own, it will become your partner in pleasure. You’ll be a team.

Then, when you’re making love to your woman, your penis will be on your side, you’ll be connected. You’ll really be present in your penis; in fact you’ll be connected to your whole body - and you’ll feel a lot more. When you’re connected and present within yourself, you can connect a lot better with your partner and she’ll feel it too. Then it becomes a positive feedback loop for both of you, and sex becomes truly awesome.

It starts outside the bedroom. Take your penis for a walk.

*******

And ladies, can I suggest you take your imaginary penis for a walk. It’s a good experience to imagine that you have a penis and wander around with it for a while. What do you notice? Probably the first thing is that you walk with your legs a bit wider!

When I get women to do this in workshops, they’re often surprised at how real it feels, and also how vulnerable it feels. Women aren’t used to having their genitals so exposed, so it can be a shock to even imagine it.

Women have often said to me that it’s changed the way they look at penises: they become less scary and more approachable. There is a tenderness and a respect that wasn’t there before. Try it.

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first, I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?"

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex more holistically and what you can do as a couple to reduce any pressure he might be feeling.

But first, let’s address your question about marijuana and erections. Smoking marijuana can increase desire, which may be why he’s more interested lately (in many men though it can have the opposite effect, so readers, please don’t take up smoking pot to increase desire!). Theoretically it could adversely affect erections as there are cannabinoid receptors in the smooth muscle tissue of the penis. However, there isn’t much scientific evidence to show that this does happen.

But, and this is a big but, if he mixes the marijuana with tobacco, then the tobacco could be affecting his erections. Smoking tobacco restricts blood flow to the veins and arteries, and if there is one part of the body you want good flow to, it’s the penis! Men who smoke tobacco are much more likely to have erectile problems.

At a psychological level, some people find that smoking pot increases anxiety. So, if he’s having sex when stoned and some performance anxiety kicks in, it could be worse than if he’s sober.

On the topic of anxiety, I’m curious as to why he’s smoking so much. Is he more stressed in life? Does he feel he needs it to relax? Because if that’s the case, the underlying stress is still there even if he’s covering it by getting stoned. It’s even possible that stress is lowering his libido so he’s smoking to increase it, possibly to please you, and is indirectly putting more pressure on himself.

As you can see, there are a lot of unknowns here, so you two really need to get talking. I’d be talking to him at two levels. Firstly, why is he smoking heavily? What’s going on in life that he feels he needs it. Is there underlying stress or anxiety that he is effectively self-medicating for? Based on that discussion, you may well be able to work together to reduce his stress and that could have the outcome of a more satisfying sex life. Professional help could help him and you as a couple if this is a challenge for you.

The other important topic of discussion is: how does he feel about sex and how you engage sexually as a couple? Explore what’s going on for him throughout the varies stages of your sexual encounter. Are there moments or periods of stress? How can you support him to ease those feelings and return to a calmly engaged state? Do either or both of you have unrealistic expectations?

Get more information on what’s going on for him (and you) so that you can look at ways to do it differently. Get used to the fact that penises rise and fall, get used to making love with a soft penis. There are so many ways to have sex without an erection (hey, lesbians do it all the time!).

If you want something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, he can use his hands! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, because he’d become so skilful with his hands!

The erection, like quality sex, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock-hard cock.

You’ll find that with this attitude, paradoxically there will be less stress and therefore more erections anyway!

There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'.

But what’s so wrong about a soft cock?

Nothing, and there’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:

• It’s lovely and soft and malleable.
• It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled.
• It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
• Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock.

• You can even have sex with a completely soft cock. It’s part of the subtle approach I encourage, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the ecstatic sensations that arise.

If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Fingers have bones so they’re potentially always boners! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, as he’d become so skillful with his hands!

Really, the only people who benefit from our obsession with the hard erection are the drug companies and porn companies. They make men feel inadequate for not having massive, hard erections, and women too have an expectation that if it’s not hard it’s not on.

This is such a shame. The erection, like quality lovemaking, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll easily flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock hard cock.

Men, if you'd like to learn more about becoming a great lover, a black belt in the bedroom, enrol in my online course for men! Click on the image below.

A client of mine who'd done my Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar for men said that afterwards he had the best sex ever.  
 
 He said: “I applied everything you taught us. I made every stroke count. It was unbelievable!” 

I was so proud of him! What he was doing was making love with focus, presence, deep connection, and of course, with love. In this way every nuance, every moment, every stroke was meaningful.
 
 As he said, it was mind-blowing. Deep, connected, focused sex is truly awesome.
 
 So, take his advice: make every stroke count.
 
 
 
Learn what this man learned, enrol in my online course for men. Click on the banner below!

Penises come in all shapes and sizes, and all with the same intention in mind – to have great sex. But with all the variation, which penises are the most effective, and does size really matter?

To stimulate the vagina a penis needs to touch the sides, so girth is an important factor. Some penises are thick enough to fill most women, some are too thick for comfort, and a large proportion need deft handling to reach the good spots - not being thick enough to fill all around (although that also depends on the size of the vagina in question - there’s considerable variation in capacity and muscle tautness there too).

But never fear, if your girth is less than ideal, it’s more about how you wield your member than its size. So here are some tips for guys of all sizes:

Modest
Prove your skills as a lover before she gets to see your member. She’ll already be impressed, and size won’t be a big issue. She’ll also be good and aroused, and a well-aroused vagina is a responsive vagina, so her muscles are more likely to naturally clamp around your penis, increasing sensation.

Your advantage in the penile size stakes is that you can move around a lot and get to the good areas. So, add rotating, screwing motions to your thrusts, particularly when you’re on top so that you’re stimulating all around her vagina and her clitoral area at the same time. (Another bonus – you get the best blowjobs because she can do so much more with your more manageable size!)

Average
No surprises here. Your partner is not going to get distracted by the size or otherwise of your member and neither are you, you’ve got no need to feel either worried or smug about what‘s on offer. You can try any position, any way you like it. So, get creative!

For you and your more modestly sized brothers, you can get in deeper by getting your pelvis in as close as possible, so you want her legs as far apart as she can. She can hold them, or you can. With you kneeling and her on her back, you can lift up her legs, hook them over your arms and get in good and deep. From behind is another good position if her bottom is up high and her chest down low. Her on top is also good as she can move herself around and sink down good and deep. Avoid standing poses.

Well-Proportioned
There’s no denying it, you’ve definitely got the advantage here. But avoid complacency! While the sight of your impressive member might make a girl swoon in anticipation, if that’s all you’ve got on offer your sex might get dull after a while. Yes, it fills a girl up nicely while still having the finesse to move around and get to the good bits inside. But it’s not all about the penis. Make sure you develop your all-round skills as a lover.

Blessed / Cursed
You’d get hired on a porn set in an instant, but the reality is that your massive member is more likely to make a girl faint with shock than swoon with pleasure! Unfortunately, a very large penis doesn’t always feel great, it can hurt on entry and can make the girl feel simply stuffed, without the subtlety of sensation she gets from smaller penises - kind of like using a bulldozer to do a bobcat’s work.

So, the advice is quite similar to that of your modestly hung brothers – prove your skills as a lover before she gets to your member, so that she’s already turned on and interested, and therefore less likely to turn tail and run! Make sure she’s well aroused and well lubricated before you enter. Take it slowly, let her guide the initial depth and speed. You’re going to have to be a true gentleman of a lover, chivalrous and gentle, and she’s going to love that!

We often hear about women having trouble with orgasms, and generally with men it’s thought that they have the opposite problem, that they come too quickly. So, when a man has trouble coming, or can’t come at all, he might feel that there’s something wrong with him. He can feel very alone.

But it’s actually very common for men not to come. It’s called Retarded or Delayed Ejaculation, and most men will encounter it at least sporadically in their lives. If it’s happening repeatedly though, it can be a problem. Particularly if the woman thinks it’s because he’s not attracted to her, or if they want to conceive.

The cause is generally stress-related, and the situation gets worse when it causes Performance Anxiety, which exacerbates the inability to come in some men, and in other men can lead to losing erection or even coming too quickly. To make matters worse, if there’s additional anxiety caused by the partner’s negative response, then that creates a negative feedback loop, and the man ends up with anxiety about having Performance anxiety - Performance Anxiety Anxiety!

Not a good thing.

The thing is though, sex is not about orgasm. Too many people think that sex is all about orgasm, that sex is something you do to another person so that they have an orgasm. It’s not. Orgasm is a fantastic by-product of sex, but it’s not the point of sex.

The point of sex is sharing pleasure.

So, if this a problem for you, then you both need to shift your focus to the experience of pleasure, receiving pleasure, rather than having an orgasm. Paradoxically, by focusing on the pleasure aspect and not worrying about her worrying you’ll probably find that orgasms do come more easily – but don’t ever expect one. It’s the expectation that gets in the way. It's the pleasure that matters.

For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.

So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.

Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.

So the standard approach has three parts:

1. Find yourself aroused - you have to be horny before you start.

2. Stroke genitals rapidly - it's all about the shagging

3. Have an orgasm - we all know the 'rule' that sex ends when the man ejaculates - right?

I call this theAdolescent Male Masturbatory (AMM) Model of Sex.

It’s what we in the West have done for millennia.

Then, a mere few decades ago, we had the sexual revolution. Suddenly society decided that sex was good and that it was OK for women to want and enjoy sex. But, the only model we had was the AMM Model of sex. So now everyone was supposed to want and enjoy sex like a teenage boy masturbating: sudden onset of desire, rapid and intense genital activity, one orgasm at the end, generally accompanied by “naughty” and “sleazy” thoughts.

The problem is though, that most people don’t actually like sex like that. And even if they do, it’s very limited.

Unfortunately, with a lack of alternatives, our society has focused on the AMM Model:
- genital oriented,
- orgasm oriented,
- fantasy features that appeal to adolescent boys, such as pneumatic breasts and abnormally large penises,
- and it’s very youth-oriented.

And it’s total madness for women. In the space of a few decades we’ve gone from lack of sexual interest as being considered the norm for women, to ‘low libido’ being the biggest sexual ‘dysfunction’ of women. And we’ve got women limiting themselves to clitoral orgasms when the female potential is so much more than emulating the limitations of male orgasm. (Not to disregard clitoral orgasms, they are very fine things, but they are just a 'blip', a moment in time compared to what's possible...)

Even for men, as a man matures, his skills as a lover should far exceed the limited thrusts of a penis. Yet men take little blue pills by the bucket load so as to have erections like a young man, without realising that there’s so much more to sex than a hard cock.

When adult men and women realise what their sexual potential is, there’s no way they’d want to limit themselves to the genital fumblings of ‘normal’ (AMM) sex.

There is some acknowledgement that women don’t orgasm the same way as the ‘normal’ male, so now we have the Chivalrous AMM Model of Sex. That is, give her an orgasm first, and then continue with the standard procedure. There’s still an expectation that they’ll both be horny first, the genitals are the focus, the orgasm is the main event, and it’s all over when he comes.

Boring!

It’s time we moved on from this limited view of sex and sexuality. I believe that society is shifting, that people are starting to realise that there’s got to be more to sex than this, that sex is not some brief act of friction between genitals for a momentary climax at the end.

That’s why people are exploring the sensual, the spiritual, the playful, the 'wicked', the energetic aspects of sex. There is so much more to sex than mutual masturbation.

Our human sexual potential is an awesome thing, every human’s birth right and definitely worth exploring.

Penises love a woman’s softness. Why then, do so many women feel they need to stimulate a man so hard?

A woman is not a masturbation machine, nor is she a vacuum cleaner. Yet so many women act like this in bed with a man.

If he really wants the intensity of a man from his partner, then tell him to explore his bisexual side! Seriously - bisexual men tell me that the pleasure of being with a man is in the intensity and hardness of the encounter.

The problem is that so many men have never even had their penises touched tenderly and softly.

Because men tend to be pretty intense when masturbating, some think that’s the only way to pleasure their penis, and so expect the same from their female partner. But once a man has experienced the sensation of tender stimulation of his penis (given with true erotic desire and connection), well, he won’t turn back. It’s a wonderful sensation.

Which is not to say that there aren’t times when you won’t want to bring in some vigour. Most of the time though, explore the gentler side - hold and caress and stroke your man’s penis with intense softness and passionate tenderness. He’ll love it!

And never again will you get a strained forearm, aching neck or sore cheeks…

My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this week. Congratulations Mum and Dad!

They’ve had a great relationship. It’s had its ups and downs of course, but they never flat-lined or became complacent. They maintained their zest for life. And as I often say: you’ve gotta love life to have a love life.

What I do want to talk about is how much my father loves my mother, and what a positive impact that has had on me. You see, as a girl, having a father who loves, respects and admires his wife, your mother, is the best thing possible for growing up with a positive self-image.

There is nothing better a man can do to ensure his daughters grow up with a positive self-image than to love their mother, with equality and respect…

To the girl, her mother represents ‘woman’ and her father represents ‘man’, so when her father truly loves and respects her mother, she learns deep in her soul that ‘man’ loves ‘woman’, and therefore relating sexually becomes a positive and desirable thing.

So guys, for the sake of your daughters, love your partner. Then, no matter what challenges you have with the parenting, your underlying respect of ‘woman’, will ensure that your daughters grow up feeling positive about being female.

Hopefully your partner grew up with a father who respected her mother. It's often not the case though, so you need to do what he didn't: relate to her with such a balanced respectful masculinity (not a wimp, not a macho prick) that you reprogram her underlying beliefs. Then she can find her sense of equality and worth as a woman (something my father did for my mother, as her parents had a very troubled relationship).

To be like this means you need to be a good, strong loving man. If your own father wasn't like this, well, you've got some work to do on yourself too. You have to break the generational dysfunction in your family. You have to become a man who is fully, positively in his masculinity, so you can help the women in your life, particularly your partner and daughters, to be wonderful women.

Even if you are no longer with your daughter's mother, you still need to show her this respect - for your daughter's sake if not your ex's.

Girls need fathers who are loving, confident men; women need respectful loving men who are their equals; the world needs men to be all they can be.